#MeToo Mom of a Depressed Teen

I used to air my dirty laundry (to a degree) on this blog. The idea of this blog was to be sort of an anonymous truth and usually ugly truth of the things that happen in my life. If you look back 2 years ago I was having huge problems with my coworkers at a fast food joint. However today is to really talk about my daughter, J14, and how I feel like I’m failing her as a parent.

I read books about teens and depression. She came to me in January and said she was having not only suicidal thoughts but was beginning to dwell on them long enough to come up with a couple suicidal scenarios. Now I did not want to be one of those parents (and this is not a strike at any parent) who had a child commit suicide and be saying: I had no idea! If only they had come to me!
The reason I mention this is because my parents were almost those parents. In the 5th grade I had written my suicide note (5th Grade!) and it was discovered by a student who sat next to me, took my note to the teacher and I swear the only help I got was from the school. I had weekly sessions with the school counselor, who firmly believed my problem was rooted in bullying, and I was bullied, but really I was trying to get away from my sexual abuser and at 11, the only way I knew how was to either run away (which I attempted multiple times) or just kill myself. (A side note: I did tell someone, not that I was depressed, but that I was being sexually molested, and the person I told… didn’t believe me. She told me to stop making up bad stories to hurt people. If she didn’t believe me: who would?) At 14 I finally did get away from my abuser, but this post really isn’t about me, it’s about my daughter. However I do have a kinship with her because she is going through exactly what I went through.

At 12 my daughter was sexually molested, she never told me, I found out when her abuser was arrested for something else, and he confessed to it. Lucky for him, he was in police custody or I would have killed him. No doubt in my mind I would have killed him, then called the police and let them arrest me. The state offered some family counseling and we attended 6 weekly sessions, but at 12 my daughter didn’t seem all that problematic with what happened to her. At 14 she really began to develop problems and I immediately got her help. I started reading books about teen depression, teen PTSD, how to be a parent of a child with depression, how to live with someone with PTSD. J14 was hospitalized for two days, and released, but no follow up therapy afterwards, no medication. Russ and I sought out a therapist for her, found one we liked and can afford. J14 likes her. However it wasn’t enough, the therapist came to us and said she needs medication and more intense therapy. We took J14 back to the hospital, she was not hospitalized but placed in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOT) which is not cheap and we can barely afford. She’s still having her meds adjusted, J14 is taking Lexapro (which is not cheap) and Trazadone. She says mood wise she feels better, but she’s still having trouble coping.

From what I understand J14 is being bullied at school (when addressed to the school they said that it has to continue happening to be considered bullying 😡) She’s isolated herself from her friends and her grades are in the toilet. Which are all the things I did in 8th grade. I only did work in the classes I liked, Science and electives, and did 0 class work or homework in Math, Social Studies, English… I literally did nothing but read books in the back of English while the teacher lectured. All through school I was showing the signs of suicide (and my daughter is showing them too) but back then I had no idea what the signs were.


So for anyone who needs to know:
Signs of Suicide

  • withdrawal from friends and family members
  • trouble in romantic relationships
  • difficulty getting along with others
  • changes in the quality of schoolwork or lower grades
  • rebellious behaviors
  • unusual gift-giving or giving away own possessions
  • appearing bored or distracted
  • writing or drawing pictures about death
  • running away from home
  • changes in eating habits
  • dramatic personality changes
  • changes in appearance (for the worse)
  • sleep disturbances
  • drug or alcohol abuse
  • talk of suicide, even in a joking way
  • having a history of previous suicide attempts
I chose this list because out of all those I glanced over this one had: changes in appearance. In 4th grade my hair was down to my pockets on my jeans. In 5th Grade I cut it down to a bob below my ears. My daughter’s main symptom? She cleaned her room and got rid of things I thought she cared about (like her Build a Bear Owl). 
After saying all this: This post was originally about how do I get my daughter’s grades up. She’s almost at the point that she may have to repeat 8th grade. (I, by miracle, actually passed and went onto Freshman High School.) The worst part is I don’t know if there is time for her to do it. Last day of school is May 23rd, she has a month. 😣

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I DON’T WANT AN APPLE TREE!

It is hard to keep up a blog when nothing really exciting or eventful happens to you. I’ve work a lot lately, five nine hour shifts. Did a few stupid things at work without thinking about it. One I embarrassed a manager in front of his mother, and second I embarrassed myself so bad I cried as I drove home from work. Experienced a ton of self loathing for being so stupid. See I was bitching about another cashier to a head cashier, got told by management who overheard me bitching to not talk about other cashiers. The problem was I should’ve known not to talk about my coworkers, but I did it anyway without thinking.

The other thing are the crazy customers, which brings me to the title of my post. A guy came to my register with a tree and a cart full of items. The tree had a strap around a branch with a barcode on it. I scanned the barcode, and go all the way through the process of ringing him out until it got to the point where he needed to sign. He asked me how much did the tree ring up. I honestly replied I didn’t know, once he signed I would show him the receipt and if it rang up the wrong price he could go to customer service and they would fix it.

He refused to sign for the purchase, told me to void everything. I said I couldn’t at the screen. I could not go back. He needed to sign and we’d solve the problem from there. He refused to sign and refused to go to customer service.So I restarted the computer, hoping it would clear everything out. It didn’t but I was at a screen that allowed me to show the man how much the tree rang up. I showed him: APPLE TREE $27.49.

He says, “I don’t want to buy an apple tree. I want to buy a pear tree.” I tried to tell him that all I did was scan the strap, it rang up the correct price, it didn’t matter. He reiterates that he doesn’t want an apple tree, he wants a pear tree. He then shows me the info tag on the tree which says its a pear tree. So I agree, it must be a pear tree. I told him not to worry what it rang up as. He says again, “I don’t want an apple tree. I want a pear tree. I already have apple trees.” So I call the garden center associate and tell her to bring me a strap from a pear tree so I can ring him up a pear tree. He shouts at the person I’m talking to on the phone that I’m misrepresenting him, that he wants a pear tree, not an apple tree.

So the garden center associate brings over a pear tree, and the man compares the leaves on the first tree to the second, asks my opinion. I tell him I don’t know anything about fruit trees. He eventually decides to buy both trees, makes me scan the pear tree tag twice, and remove the apple tree tag from the purchase. This took twenty minutes. He held up the line for TWENTY minutes, other customers were looking at me with pity. Once I had him the receipt he says to me, “That was an easy sale, right?” I actually thought about punching him.

What I Did On My Vacation or Nerd Raging @ Black & White

I took a vacation from April 10th to April 17th. We couldn’t afford to go anywhere and work was sorta stressing me out. I try to take a vacation from work at least twice a year. My next vacation will be in October or November. Once again probably won’t be able to go anywhere. The vacation in April is always across my wedding anniversary which is on April 14th. Paul (husband) and I had only planned on dinner on the 13th because the 14th fell on a Friday and we didn’t want to wait for food.

  • April 10th, Day 1 – We slept in, took my daughter to the dentist, cleaned and rearranged the living room and had dinner at the mall where we spent too much money on candles. Husband played FF6 (FF3 in the US) and I played Oxygen Not Included.
  • April 11th, Day 2 – We slept in, took my daughter to the dentist (she had two appointments back to back), cleaned the kitchen,  I made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner. Paul played his game and I played mine.
  • April 12th, Day 3 – We slept in, cleaned the bathroom, our bedroom and then had a visit from our pest control services. I wanted them to eat leftover spaghetti for dinner, ended up having hot dogs from QT,
  • April 13th, Day 4 – Paul and I got up, went to Maggiano’s for lunch, realized we were nearly broke. I ordered shoes from Sears. I tried to get the family to eat spaghetti leftovers for dinner, wound up eating the leftover Maggiano’s. Paul played his game I played mine.
  • April 14th, Day 5 – We slept in, paid bills, and went to KMart to grab a few groceries since the only card with money on it was my Sears card. I started playing Black & White. Even though this was our actual wedding anniversary we did 0 celebrating. Paul continued his FF6 game. At the end of the evening we started watching the TV show Once Upon A Time.
  • April 15th, Day 6 – Paul’s vacation started 2 days before mine and ended two days before, so he went to work. I played Black & White all day. When he came home, we watched Once Upon a Time and I insisted everyone have leftover spaghetti.
  • April 16th, Easter, Day 7 – I couldn’t afford to drive to visit anyone and stayed home with the kids and played Black & White. Paul came home from work and we watched Once Upon a Time. I totally nerd raged at my game over losing 8 hours of progress.
  • April 17th, Day 8 – Played Black & White.
So I got all the way to Land 5, which is the last land. Your Creature is cursed. He shrinks, gets weak, and turns the opposite alignment as you. Well until Land 5 I was a Good god. So my Creature turned Evil. I tried to win at it as a Good god, but when looking at walkthroughs most just say kill everyone in the village so it turns neutral and then drop a missionary in. BOOM you got your village. Well doing this turned me Evil.
Now I had the auto-save turned on, and dealt with its long saving and often saving. After I took my 3rd village, leaving only 2, the game crashed. No big deal, auto save, yo. It put me back at the END OF LAND 4. 😠 What really pissed me off was it kept my Evil alignment and my Creature’s cursed form, tiny, weak, and Evil. 😡 So I tried to start a new game. IT KEPT MY EVIL ALIGNMENT! So I tried to play Creature Isle which is the Xpack for Black & White 1. Even though I OWN Black and White and the Xpack (purchased when it was newly released) I never played the expansion because I never beat the original game. IT KEPT MY EVIL ALIGNMENT IN CREATURE ISLE! So in the end I just deleted my old profile and started a new one. I’m on Land 2.

My FNAF 1 Jump Scare

Has some recording difficulties, the in game sound didn’t get recorded and the mic was boosted too much so I’m really loud. I hope to have these figured out in the next video. Please enjoy.

Decisions & How to Fuck Up at Work

If only this worked 100% of the time. Now before you say it can, I have a husband, two children, a mortgage and car payment… and credit card debt and some loan debt. Decisions are now made based upon what is the best choice for us as a family unit.

I posted this in reference to work actually. So I fucked up yesterday. Not royally, not in front of any customers, and nothing that would affect the reputation or sales of the company. What I did was call a supervisor a dick. Not to her face not to her supervisor, but to a lateral supervisor.

I owned up to it. I sent an e-mail to my manager about being angry and how I lashed out and how unprofessional it was and I apologized.

I was angry because I had been placed in a boring position and was lonely and no one came and checked on me for four and a half hours. I literally felt forgotten about. No one came by and asked if I needed anything, or if I was doing okay. So I was seething and angry, and just stewing about how I hadn’t gotten a break. It wasn’t this shift, it was a lot of shifts that once I got lunch, I didn’t get another break, and I worked a shift where I got nothing, no break, no lunch. So this shift it seemed that I wasn’t getting a break (and I didn’t get one) and I felt like it was because this one Head Cashier doesn’t like me. (Probably anxiety talking, where I feel like I just bother people by breathing.) I felt singled out, so I told the Head Cashier, not the one that I think doesn’t like me, but another one that So & So is Dick. The Head Cashier said I shouldn’t say that, especially to another Head Cashier and she wouldn’t say anything.

So after I sent the e-mail, I sat there and wondered if I had made the right decision. I mean the Head Cashier said she wouldn’t say anything (but I didn’t trust her) figured she might tell it as a story to someone else, and then someone else would go tell the Head Cashier I think doesn’t like me. I’m still second guessing if I should’ve sent the e-mail or not. If I’m going to have a job when I show up to work on Thursday. I’m literally drowning in anxiety here.

My biggest problem is I’ll make a decision, then later worry about if I made the wrong one, then change my decision and again worry if the I had made the right choice the first time.

Should I Just Make Shit Up?

My biggest problem with maintaining a blog or journal is not that much crap happens to me… on a regular basis. In the past I blogged about the all the ill treatment at my last job, but right now my job isn’t bad.

I work in a big box store at the customer service desk and my only really complaints are how hard it is to get my co workers to  pull an item awaiting pick up or picking an item for an internet order. Getting someone to load anything heavy. Also I dislike closing with one particular head cashier who is unbelievably negative. Then there are the clopens. Did one yesterday, got another next week.
Been working on a mandala jacket:
This one is of my own design again. I liked the colors of the yarn, but I really should go get a dark color yarn or a neutral one.
I still can’t get less than 140 lbs.
I haven’t really tried any new recipes. I did however put up a window film on my daughter’s window, who was late to school this morning. Perfect attendance until I finally tell her she’s responsible for getting herself up on the morning. (She’s 13.)