Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) Review – Stygian Style – SPOILERS

I recommend watching the movie before continuing reading.

*SPOILERS*

OMG! Where do I begin? I didn’t like it. I saw two movies today, Turtles and Into the Storm. Into the Storm was better than Turtles. I saw the movies for the similar reasons, I have had a crush on Raphael since 1987. I currently have a crush on Richard Armitage thanks to the Hobbit. My phone tries to predict words for me, I’ve written the term, “hot dwarves” so many times that when I Swype ‘hot’ it suggests ‘dwarves,’ but that is another story.

In watching Divergent I made a comment to my brother-in-law asking if it was wrong to think that trailers shown before a movie were a harbinger of the movie. The trailers in front of Turtles were nothing I wanted to see. Should’ve taken that as a sign. The movie wasn’t bad, it was just lame. They should’ve called it April O’Neil and the Turtles. Megan Fox got the most screen time of all the characters, and April was the only character that had any development through the movie. Karai was practically invisible and only a step up from Stunt Ninja #3 because she gets addressed as Karai I think once in the movie.

Over the years in watching the 1987 cartoon, 1990 movies, 2003 cartoon, 2007 TMNT CGI movie, 2012 Nickelodeon TV Show, they’ve always tweaked the lore a little bit. This wasn’t a tweak, it was a complete screw over. I know I put spoilers but I cringe just writing about this bullshit. Which in a discussion with my brother-in-law, I mentioned I spent most of this movie cringing. There was no mention of Hamato Yoshi or Oroku Saki (Yes, Shredder is in the movie but they never refer to him as Oroku Saki). Splinter wasn’t even the pet of Hamato Yoshi, he was… (I still can’t deal with this…) … April O’Neil’s pet. Yup, Splinter and the turtles belonged to young April and was injected with mutagen by April’s father. How did they become ninjas? Splinter found a book in the sewer about ninjitsu. Which means that Shredder had absolutely no reason to have a beef with Splinter.

Then when you get to Sachs’ big plan, all I could think was: My Gawd this is the plot to The Amazing Spiderman. It was like they borrowed the script for it. The movie doesn’t really start until April goes down in the sewers and I swear it felt like twenty minutes in. So if you went twenty minutes late to the movie, you didn’t miss shit.

The relationship between the turtles themselves weren’t well defined. Usually in the movies and TV shows they’ve always paired them up. In 2012 Nick TV Show, Raph and Mikey have this great relationship. In the 2003 series, its Raph and Leo. In the 1990 movie, Donnie and Mikey. The only thing they touched on was Raph was rebel, and didn’t like taking orders from Leo.

Now lets talk about the good stuff, the reason I’ll buy this movie when it gets released (probably around Christmas) on Blu-Ray. I own all the other movies on Blu-Ray. I own all the other turtle movies. I really love the turtles, Raphael especially. The turtles themselves in the 2014 movie were incredibly well done. I liked and agreed with the changes. Donnie should by all means have gadgetry, the toothpick and the sunglasses suited Raph. Mikey was adorable, I loved his dialogue. The action scenes (when they did happen) were excellent. It was like they shot their entire writing budget on just the action scenes, cause the plot was so badly written. The best sequence in the movie was the snow fight. There was a sewer battle that was okay, but even the final battle wasn’t that great. It was more dumb luck than actual battling.

I guess I should stop ranting. I just can’t believe how impotent this movie was. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad enough to be cult following bad.

Oh and the funniest scene in the movie is a blip in the credits. *headdesk*

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Author: Ransacked Turnip

I'm a dreamer, a coffee drinker, and a lover of animals.

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