I wrestled with the idea of blogging about this at all. I have a more anonymous Livejournal blog that was I was feeling okay with talking about something as serious as what has been happening to me emotionally.
To begin with, on June 16th I was was involuntarily hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I’d been considering suicide for awhile, but on the 15th I had finally reached the end of my ability to cope. I did the right thing (even though being hospitalized shocked me to my core and I felt like I hadn’t done the right thing at all) but I told my husband that I was suicidal. He suggested I make an appointment with our general practitioner and get some help. My brother said to just be honest. I went to the to clinic, they were able to see the quickest, and I told the nurse practitioner I was considering suicide and she asked if I had plans, and I did, more than one. She said she wanted to find me some immediate relief, and told my brother to take me to the ER. I was naive enough to think I was just going to get to see a therapist, get a prescription or something. I didn’t know I was being hospitalized until they took my clothes away.
I hated being hospitalized, I was escorted by security to another building and was locked in. I wasn’t allowed to go outside for the two days I was there. I was put on Prozac, and eventually released into an intense outpatient therapy program that is what I had expected to be enrolled into from the beginning. Either the drugs, the shock of being in the hospital or the therapy or all of the above helped.
So much happened in such a short time. I was fired from my job, and that event felt like the end of my world, and it partially was. Even though my job was not easy, I was overworked, poorly paid, and not recognized for my efforts, I still loved working. It was the people I worked with, and the loss of those people, those social interactions, was more than I could handle. Out of all the people I worked with, only one still talks to me, and today I feel that may have ended too.
My old supervisor from Sam’s Club messaged me through Facebook, I’d not talked to this man in probably a decade and he just out of the blue messaged me. I don’t want it to be 10 years to hear from K again. I noticed a pattern in my jobs, I will devote myself to my supervisor, and I have almost the same adoration for K that I had for D all those years ago. The difference was I was infatuated with D, but I just want K to stay my friend.
Loneliness is one of my depression triggers and today I’m lonely.