The Dream Became Real

I walked out on my job Saturday night. I was scheduled off Sunday, and scheduled to work today, but I think I’m not going. So let’s talk about Saturday night.
I used to like Jaslene. I thought she was cool, funny, and assumed she liked me too. Because of my depression, my mood has been all silence and sadness and suicidal thoughts and trying to hold back tears and still function. I dreaded going to work so much I got an upset stomach just thinking about work.
So for the three shifts of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, she’s been unapproachable. I mean, earbuds in as soon as she gets there. She’s lately been the drive thru sandwich maker every shift, and because we’ve been short handed, we’ve not been able to open inside sandwiches. However, even the times inside sandwiches can be opened, she still does this annoying thing. The way we’ve always done it, is when the sandwiches are made for an order, they get put on the counter where drive thru packs the orders. Basically a sign that the sandwiches for that order are done. When they’re for the front counter, they get put on the other side of the bread toaster. Jaslene doesn’t do this, she just leaves the sandwiches on the sandwich board. So I have no idea if they’re for inside or drive and she doesn’t make the orders in order either, she makes drive thru’s sandwiches before she makes inside. He excuse was and I quote, “Inside can wait.” However you can’t ask her what the sandwiches are for because she has in earbuds! So it is completely confusing. I wanted so badly to say, “If you can’t be bothered to put the sandwiches where they go, you could at least have the courtesy of calling out that a particular order is up.”
Wednesday night, she’s making sandwiches, and I’m on drive thru, I needed a thumb to correct an order. So I call for Brenton through the headset to come and fix this order. Jaslene loses her shit because I didn’t ask for her thumb. She’s not talking to me about it though,she’s talking to anyone else in earshot about how I didn’t ask for her thumb and if I was gonna be this way, then I was just gonna be this way. I wanted to say, and didn’t, “You’ve been unapproachable for the last 3 shifts!”
I called in Friday, I played hooky, but wound up in the ER with my husband for most of my shift anyway. He had chest pains. He’s fine, ER did a stress test, it wasn’t his heart they are thinking gastrointestinal.
Saturday I went into work. I’m on drive thru, Jaslene is put on drive thru with me. She wasn’t scheduled to close, but I had no idea what time she was supposed to leave, cause at first she says she’s leaving at 8 PM. Jaslene didn’t want to work drive with me, she asked everyone to change positions with her, no one would. I was order taking and drink making, she was on back cash. All she did was stand at her register, no headset on, and drum her nails on the counter, and play on her phone. She didn’t pack orders (usually back cash kinda gets forced to packing orders when we’re short handed), she just stood there. Then she kept disappearing, I’d turn around and she’d be gone. Orders would need to be cashed out, packed and handed out. She’s show up a few minutes later, it wasn’t like she had gone to get something that needed stocking, nope, cause she called out that she needed napkins. Between 5 PM & 8 PM she left three times to ‘go eat,’ and one time the manager yelled at her to hurry up. So 8 PM shows  up and she’s still there, by now drive thru has slowed down and she’s technically still on back cash but had migrated to working fries rather than back cashing, so I was now taking orders, making drinks, cashing and handing them out (we usually don’t do this until 10 PM). Well at 9:10 she calls out that she’s got 50 minutes left and by this time I’m internally saying ‘Hallelujah’ cause once she’s gone she’ll be out of my hair and my night will get better.
10 PM comes and she’s migrated to making sandwiches again and she says to the manager she’ll stay to close, the manager says, “Thank you.” Then they go on about how great Jaslene is for staying. She does this all the time though. I’d be surprised the one night she doesn’t stay. I literally can’t work with this girl anymore.
I try to tell management that, and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” I try to tell management that I don’t like the way I’m treated by her and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” So I took off my headset, put it down.
“You don’t need me anymore,” I tried to clock out, can’t because I have to be checked out before I can clock out and just left.
I told my husband what happened, and he asked if I was going to go back to work Monday, and nope, probably not.

Now here’s the thing, I already got a job lined up, I just wasn’t going to quit my fast food job until I found another job. I was making $7.75 an hour. My new job is offering $11.49 an hour. I just have to pass a drug and background check, which as I just typed that, wondered if they’ll find and read my blog. So I googled myself, and was pleasantly surprised that the only footprint I have are my LinkedIn and Facebook show up. My FB is nicely underwraps, I’m careful about public posts and my LinkedIn is meant for employers to look at.

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9 Underrated Horror Books to Read Next | The Lineup

We’ve included overlooked works of the masters to bring you nine underrated horror books to read next.

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Blogging About Work

My blog is my vent lately and the only thing upsetting me is my job. I’ve already started to look for a new one, I’ve a job interview with Lowe’s on Thursday at 3 PM. I’m gonna have to google soon about how to best present myself and impress upon the interviewer that I’m a good candidate for a cashier. Let’s go back to my current soul sucking job. I’ve been trying to look up how to deal with the people I work with. I’m seriously hoping that I only have to deal with them for a few more days (end of November at the most) but I actually dread working drive thru with Wanda. Remember I mentioned that she told me we couldn’t work drive thru together because we both have big butts. (Now I’m thinking I should go back to working out, even have a work out CD I like. Or meditate. I need to do something! I think I’m gonna post maybe tomorrow about making changes in my life.)

Anyway, last night at work I came across this website: 11 Signs Your Job is Making You Miserable As I read the list, so many of these were me exactly. So many so that I started reading them outloud to my boss (who knows I hate my job, but he can’t do a damn thing about it) and he just shook his head.

Actually let me take this time to mention the management team at my fast food job. Impotent. I’ve never really used that word to describe people but I’ve never seen a group of people who are management who are so powerless. It isn’t that management there sucks, it’s because they’re hands are constantly tied by the general manager. The only form of discipline they have at work is to send you home and reduce your number of hours scheduled. Yup, that is it.

There is an employee who only works one, five hour shift, that is all he’s scheduled and the management complains (I listen to them and they tell me things) that all they can do is send him home because he won’t work, and when they tell him to do his job he argues with them. Now they have fired a couple of people, one girl for standing at the fry station, eating fries right out of the bin… while standing at the fry station. They managed to fire three people who were friends, who all got hired on to work the closing shift, after a week all three of them couldn’t work past 10 PM (close shift if 1 AM and 2 AM) and they all have to work the same shift because apparently they carpool (only one drives) and if one of them gets angry and walks out, all three of them walk out because they don’t want to get left behind. They also were notorious for picking up extra shifts, and not working them for some reason or other. Two of the three used relatives dying as a reason to not perform at work. Management tried to send them home, but they claimed they needed the money.

So I was informed these people were fired, and suddenly this entire page of open shifts appeared on the notice board. Usually night shifts are the only open ones, but this was days too. After about two days I noticed that the people who were supposed to have been fired were signed up to fill these open shifts.

I understand we’re desperate for people, but we need to enforce some way of getting people to work. Once people realize they won’t get fired, their productivity plummets. Then morale goes with it, because we’re picking up their slack, not getting paid anymore for it, and they’re at work on their phones, sitting around, not doing anything and getting paid for it.

Now here I am, clinging to a high work ethic that won’t let me be late to work or take an extended break without having an anxiety attack. I treat all guests with politeness, courtesy and sympathy. I smile, I seem happy. I greeted a guest through the speaker and she commented on how cheerful I was and I said, “It’s all an act.” She replied, “No one can fake that.” And we both laughed.

This is my problem: I love my job but hate the people I work with.

It isn’t even just that I don’t like the people I work with. I don’t like how they treat me. Last night wasn’t so bad because they mostly left me alone. They left me alone because I was in a position that didn’t have much to deal with theirs, they were the drive thru team and I worked front counter. I’m a huge forgive and forget type, but I’ve gotten to the point I’m afraid to say anything or even make eye contact with them because I don’t want them to verbally hurt me. (After typing that I think that sounds so stupid, aren’t calling me names, so maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I just think they’re being mean to me.)

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me I just found this blog. Is it just anxiety or do the people I work with actually hate me? I mean last night the girls made a mess in the dining room for me to clean up and I even overheard one saying in disbelief that the other one was going to do it. I just cleaned it up, didn’t say anything about it. So now I’m wondering if they always made a mess or did they do it because I was cleaning the dining room that night? This is the shit I deal with, I go back and forth between is it me or is it all in my head?

I remember in therapy that I told a story about two coworkers who were a couple, and invited them to dinner and games at my house. I set a date and time in the future, texted them, and didn’t get a reply from either. Texted them again closer to the date, asking if this time was okay for them. Didn’t get a reply. Asked them in person at work why they didn’t respond to my text about dinner. Both claimed they had been busy. So I asked in person if the date was okay. Both said yes. Neither showed up for dinner. Neither called to cancel, and when I confronted them about it (which is something I normally do, I avoid confrontation) I was informed they both had felt that I would make them feel uncomfortable in such an intimate setting. I was crushed. I had put a lot of time, money and effort into these dinner plans. I totally attacked myself over it: What had I done to make them feel uncomfortable around me? What had I done that made them feel they couldn’t say no to the dinner plans? What was wrong with me that caused them to act this way? My therapist said, “I would’ve totally flipped the other way: What was wrong with them?

If anyone has read this post all the way through, look back through it, it is all about me being the victim, and all about what is wrong with me? Maybe it isn’t me, maybe it isn’t in my head, maybe the girls I work with have something wrong with them that causes them to treat me as such.

However I have no idea how to (I don’t even want to repair relationships) not be bothered by them.

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me

Having an anxiety disorder is like someone following you, whispering in your ear, I hate you. Learn how to deal with anxiety saying that everyone hates me.

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Let’s Talk Anxiety

When I was diagnosed with clinical depression I was not diagnosed with anxiety because I was diagnosed shortly after being hospitalized because I had reached the breaking point in my life. I actually had reached out to my husband and told him I was suicidal and if someone didn’t stop me I wasn’t much longer for this world. We didn’t know how to get help, or who to go to, so we went to the urgent care, who sent us to the ER, who then admitted me. I didn’t realize I was being admitted until they took my clothes and locked them up. They asked me lots of questions about anxiety and if I heard voices or saw things that weren’t there, about drug and alcohol use. I was so far over the bend that all I could think about was my depression and how worthless I was, how low I felt. While they were admitting me I felt that I was wasting their time with my problems. I wondered why they were bothering with me, surely there were people who were more worthy of help than me.

Now I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack, where you’re immobilized, unable to act, but lately I’ve been dreading work so much that I’ve actually felt sick to my stomach on my way to work. It takes everything inside me to go to work everyday. I try to be invisible at work lately. I don’t talk to the others, don’t joke, don’t even just hover around their conversation. I try to keep busy, out of their way, and silent. I hate working a position where I have to communicate with one of them. I don’t think if I have to work drive thru with a non-manager I’ll be able to do it. I’m not sure if this is anxiety or just part of my depression.

Probably a Long Rambling Post

My husband texts me, says he read something and is worried about me. So either he read my journal (I occasionally write in a paper one) or he read my blog. Cause my last post was about having suicidal thoughts and the blog is the only thing I’ve told so far. Good for him, because I at least had 1 person read my blog. 

So let’s talk depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in July of last year when I got fired from my job at Six Flags. From there life was just too much for me to handle. I progressed quickly from suicidal thoughts to the point of deciding how to do it, and the next step would be when and then to do it. I remember even googling what to do when I had suicidal thoughts. Like just now I googled, “Are suicidal thoughts normal?” It took browsing through two articles to find one that says no, they aren’t. I assume that I’m like everyone else, not as smart, or as graceful, but my mind must think the same way. I spend a great deal of time talking to myself mentally, and I mean I hold mental conversations with myself. I hold mental conversations with people around me, trying to predict what they will say, and then how I will reply. (I’ve learned that they never say anything near what I’ve predicted, and therefore don’t get to use my carefully formulated clever reply.) So back to the suicidal thoughts, if I have them, then everyone must have them from time to time right? Apparently, no, not everyone has them. My husband doesn’t have them, and he doesn’t understand why I have them.
I recently googled how to explain depression to someone, and reached this article: How to Explain Depression to a Loved One The article was informative, but it feels to me like it’s written to explain to a new significant other that you have depression. I’ve been married for 16 years, and yes, over the years my diaries are full of the line, “I’m so depressed.” However I didn’t have suicidal thoughts until 2015. (Sort of. I’m going to insert a story here.)
In 5th grade, I was 11 years old, and being sexually molested by my brother, had told my mother who didn’t believe me. I was being bullied at school, but I kept going back to the bullies for more name calling and shaming, because I believed that the boys treated me like that because they liked me. (However at this point I noticed they didn’t treat all the girls the same way they treated me, they were nice and had conversations with them.) I wrote what could best be explained as a suicide note. I truly believed no one cared for me or about me. Another kid across from me got the note, read it, gave it to the teacher, who then sent me to visit the counselor. I told her that no one cared about me, no one loved me, and that no one would miss me when I was gone because no one was nice to me. She told me that Jerry cared (the kid who got his hands on my note) which was why he gave the note to the teacher. Up until that moment, Jerry hadn’t said more than 2 words to me the entire school year, we didn’t travel in the same social circles (and at that time I didn’t even have a social circle) so afterwards I honestly thought he might have been a friend I didn’t know I had. Nope, he had only given the note to the teach because according to him, “It was the right thing to do.” He and I had 0 relationship before my note, and 0 relationship after, even though I tried to make friends with him. I never told the school about my brother, only that I was being bullied. So this was the first time I had suicidal thoughts. Looking back I don’t remember my mother’s reaction, I mean the school had to tell her. She probably got mad at me and thought I was trying to get attention. At some point I gave up the notion of suicide and tried other alternatives… I brought a knife to school, fully intending to flash it to the bullies to get them to leave me alone, and that day my pocket had gotten ripped off my coat, the knife fell out and my bullies actually picked it up from the ground and turned it in. I tried running away a couple of times. Once I was caught by the school and they talked me into returning back to the school, and the second time I got a couple of miles away from home, and turned around because at 13 I realized I couldn’t support myself.

So I’ve shown signs of mental illness probably all my life and it took 34 years to finally get diagnosed, and I was suddenly worried that was it normal for people to be diagnosed with depression at such an age? Yes, actually most women are diagnosed with depression between the ages of 40 and 54. I probably would’ve been diagnosed earlier if anyone had actually noticed my behavior. I became secluded as a teen, usually only one friend, or at times no friends, I buried myself in books, I didn’t leave my room, I actually started skipping school in high school just to read books in the forest. Then my brother got accused of rape and my mother pulled me from high school to keep me away from my friend who accused my brother of rape (charges were dropped) but I never went back to high school. My mother enrolled me into a diploma through the mail course, where they mailed me books, I took tests and mailed them back. I never completed it. I took on a life of sleeping all day, watching movies and night, drinking the booze that my mother bought for us, getting felt up by my boyfriend who was two years older, and um I was 14-16 through this. At 15 I got a job at Six Flags. Somehow I managed without professional help to get through life.
So this is what my husband doens’t understand. I’m not having suicidal thoughts all the time, they seem to pop out when I’m really overwhelmed, and lately I’ve been overwhelmed at work because I hate my coworkers. They treat me horribly, and when I get angry at the treatment they get angry at me because I got angry. However I’ve always thought that apologizing for wrongdoing was always the bigger thing to do. So I usually end up apologizing for being angry at them for mistreating me.
I also don’t know how to explain to him that I’m not feeling depressed all the time. When I’m feeling the most depressed it feels like a great weight on my shoulders and I’m constantly reminding myself of how useless and inferior I am, and though I try to better myself, I always seem to go back to the same old loop. I’m a failure, a waste of space, and people’s lives would be better if I wasn’t in them. A lot of this comes from the way I perceive people treating me. However is gets complicated because I have a really great husband who loves me, and has put up with me for the past 16 years. My children are great, they have good grades and friends, and confidence. I didn’t try to shelter them from how cruel the world is and how mean people can be but I rather tried to prepare them for it. I explained that if anyone called my daughter names or mistreated her at school isn’t wasn’t because they liked her, it was because they were a bully, and to report it to a teacher or tell me. If someone likes you, they’re kind to you. Well the only people at work who seem kind to me are the management and Brett and Conspiracy Theorist Guy.
So I found this website: 10 Signs of Walking Depression I’m depressed, don’t always appear depressed (and sometimes I don’t feel depressed) and still function.

FAILURE

I spent a great deal of time trying to decide how to title this post because I have a lot I want to talk about, and some of it very personal and I wasn’t sure if I should write it in my journal or just say, “Fuck it,” and blog about it.

My depression is really bothering me. I stopped taking my meds back in February, because I missed my appointment with my therapist and never called to reschedule, without the appointment, I was never able to get my prescription refilled.

Up until about a month or two ago (?) whenever I had my meltdown at work and walked out. I was actually feeling fine. I wasn’t suicidal, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. I mean life was slinging shit at me the entire time too. We made a bad judgement call on a vehicle purchase, my daughter had head lice that would not go away, I was dealing with a workplace troll, I made the decision to quit my current job for what I thought was going to be a better one, discovered in 3 days it was a wrong decision. Right now I’m up to my ass in OT and my husband (who makes twice what I do) is no longer allowed OT.

So let’s talk about last night at work (and this isn’t even election related) a girl I like, who I actually considered a work friend, got off at 11 PM. The store closed at 12 AM, and we were scheduled to clean until 1 AM. Normally we get out about 12:30. I closed dining room and sandwiches. Sandwiches scrubs the floors in the kitchen. Normally most of the floors are done at 9 PM, I was not on sandwiches until 11 PM. So I tried to get the station ready to close when the store closed, and hoped to get the mopping done around close or shortly after. Normally the part of the floor to be mopped at close is about 12 ft by 4 ft. When I started sweeping I realized I had to mop the entire kitchen. Let’s get back to the work friend. She’s been off since 11 AM. She left, then came back and climbed into the store through the drive through window, because the doors to the dining room were locked. Then she sat on the floor of the manager’s office. At 12:30 I’m almost done sweeping the floor when Jaslene is dragging this girl out of the manager’s office by her arm. Not figuratively. The girl is laying on the floor and Jaslene is dragging her where I’m about to sweep. I admit, I’m tired, I’m cranky. I wanted to go home. So I yelled at them, but when I started yelling, Jaslene disappeared and the girl caught the brunt of it. She then screams at me for yelling at her, and tells me I shouldn’t ever talk like that to her again. She goes back into the manager’s office. I stand there dumbfounded a moment. Then I walk into the manager’s office and apologized for losing my cool. She ignored me and left the office and sat in the dining room. I went back to my work, there was nothing else I could do. So about a quarter till 1 AM (the floors are done, but I noticed that some tables needed wiping) she comes up to me, apologizes to me for yelling and asks that I don’t talk to her again. I said, “Okay.” After I clocked out I sat in my truck and sobbed for a good five minutes.

After looking at the last several posts about problems at work, I wonder to myself: Why can’t I get along with people at work? What is so wrong with me that I’m constantly making others angry at me? This is twice in a week I’ve broke down at work, and had to apologize for lashing out. I usually don’t have a temper or a short fuse.

Do other people wake up in the morning and realize how much of a failure they are? I feel like a failure as a person, failure at life, and normally everything else. I mean I’m stressing out over the relationships at a minimum wage fast food job that I can’t just walk out of because now we have a car payment. I wanted so much for last night to be my last shift, but here I am, blogging in my work uniform, actually waiting to leave to go to work.

I did put in 2 applications, hopefully I’ll hear something back. I’m off work tomorrow and hope to not only get my words in, but to get more applications out.

Now for the part I really didn’t want to blog about. I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again. It isn’t everyday like it was back in July when I was hospitalized. I’m just thinking that I should end it and clear the way for a better replacement of ME.