I spent a great deal of time trying to decide how to title this post because I have a lot I want to talk about, and some of it very personal and I wasn’t sure if I should write it in my journal or just say, “Fuck it,” and blog about it.
My depression is really bothering me. I stopped taking my meds back in February, because I missed my appointment with my therapist and never called to reschedule, without the appointment, I was never able to get my prescription refilled.
Up until about a month or two ago (?) whenever I had my meltdown at work and walked out. I was actually feeling fine. I wasn’t suicidal, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. I mean life was slinging shit at me the entire time too. We made a bad judgement call on a vehicle purchase, my daughter had head lice that would not go away, I was dealing with a workplace troll, I made the decision to quit my current job for what I thought was going to be a better one, discovered in 3 days it was a wrong decision. Right now I’m up to my ass in OT and my husband (who makes twice what I do) is no longer allowed OT.
So let’s talk about last night at work (and this isn’t even election related) a girl I like, who I actually considered a work friend, got off at 11 PM. The store closed at 12 AM, and we were scheduled to clean until 1 AM. Normally we get out about 12:30. I closed dining room and sandwiches. Sandwiches scrubs the floors in the kitchen. Normally most of the floors are done at 9 PM, I was not on sandwiches until 11 PM. So I tried to get the station ready to close when the store closed, and hoped to get the mopping done around close or shortly after. Normally the part of the floor to be mopped at close is about 12 ft by 4 ft. When I started sweeping I realized I had to mop the entire kitchen. Let’s get back to the work friend. She’s been off since 11 AM. She left, then came back and climbed into the store through the drive through window, because the doors to the dining room were locked. Then she sat on the floor of the manager’s office. At 12:30 I’m almost done sweeping the floor when Jaslene is dragging this girl out of the manager’s office by her arm. Not figuratively. The girl is laying on the floor and Jaslene is dragging her where I’m about to sweep. I admit, I’m tired, I’m cranky. I wanted to go home. So I yelled at them, but when I started yelling, Jaslene disappeared and the girl caught the brunt of it. She then screams at me for yelling at her, and tells me I shouldn’t ever talk like that to her again. She goes back into the manager’s office. I stand there dumbfounded a moment. Then I walk into the manager’s office and apologized for losing my cool. She ignored me and left the office and sat in the dining room. I went back to my work, there was nothing else I could do. So about a quarter till 1 AM (the floors are done, but I noticed that some tables needed wiping) she comes up to me, apologizes to me for yelling and asks that I don’t talk to her again. I said, “Okay.” After I clocked out I sat in my truck and sobbed for a good five minutes.
After looking at the last several posts about problems at work, I wonder to myself: Why can’t I get along with people at work? What is so wrong with me that I’m constantly making others angry at me? This is twice in a week I’ve broke down at work, and had to apologize for lashing out. I usually don’t have a temper or a short fuse.
Do other people wake up in the morning and realize how much of a failure they are? I feel like a failure as a person, failure at life, and normally everything else. I mean I’m stressing out over the relationships at a minimum wage fast food job that I can’t just walk out of because now we have a car payment. I wanted so much for last night to be my last shift, but here I am, blogging in my work uniform, actually waiting to leave to go to work.
I did put in 2 applications, hopefully I’ll hear something back. I’m off work tomorrow and hope to not only get my words in, but to get more applications out.
Now for the part I really didn’t want to blog about. I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again. It isn’t everyday like it was back in July when I was hospitalized. I’m just thinking that I should end it and clear the way for a better replacement of ME.