#MeToo Mom of a Depressed Teen

I used to air my dirty laundry (to a degree) on this blog. The idea of this blog was to be sort of an anonymous truth and usually ugly truth of the things that happen in my life. If you look back 2 years ago I was having huge problems with my coworkers at a fast food joint. However today is to really talk about my daughter, J14, and how I feel like I’m failing her as a parent.

I read books about teens and depression. She came to me in January and said she was having not only suicidal thoughts but was beginning to dwell on them long enough to come up with a couple suicidal scenarios. Now I did not want to be one of those parents (and this is not a strike at any parent) who had a child commit suicide and be saying: I had no idea! If only they had come to me!
The reason I mention this is because my parents were almost those parents. In the 5th grade I had written my suicide note (5th Grade!) and it was discovered by a student who sat next to me, took my note to the teacher and I swear the only help I got was from the school. I had weekly sessions with the school counselor, who firmly believed my problem was rooted in bullying, and I was bullied, but really I was trying to get away from my sexual abuser and at 11, the only way I knew how was to either run away (which I attempted multiple times) or just kill myself. (A side note: I did tell someone, not that I was depressed, but that I was being sexually molested, and the person I told… didn’t believe me. She told me to stop making up bad stories to hurt people. If she didn’t believe me: who would?) At 14 I finally did get away from my abuser, but this post really isn’t about me, it’s about my daughter. However I do have a kinship with her because she is going through exactly what I went through.

At 12 my daughter was sexually molested, she never told me, I found out when her abuser was arrested for something else, and he confessed to it. Lucky for him, he was in police custody or I would have killed him. No doubt in my mind I would have killed him, then called the police and let them arrest me. The state offered some family counseling and we attended 6 weekly sessions, but at 12 my daughter didn’t seem all that problematic with what happened to her. At 14 she really began to develop problems and I immediately got her help. I started reading books about teen depression, teen PTSD, how to be a parent of a child with depression, how to live with someone with PTSD. J14 was hospitalized for two days, and released, but no follow up therapy afterwards, no medication. Russ and I sought out a therapist for her, found one we liked and can afford. J14 likes her. However it wasn’t enough, the therapist came to us and said she needs medication and more intense therapy. We took J14 back to the hospital, she was not hospitalized but placed in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOT) which is not cheap and we can barely afford. She’s still having her meds adjusted, J14 is taking Lexapro (which is not cheap) and Trazadone. She says mood wise she feels better, but she’s still having trouble coping.

From what I understand J14 is being bullied at school (when addressed to the school they said that it has to continue happening to be considered bullying 😡) She’s isolated herself from her friends and her grades are in the toilet. Which are all the things I did in 8th grade. I only did work in the classes I liked, Science and electives, and did 0 class work or homework in Math, Social Studies, English… I literally did nothing but read books in the back of English while the teacher lectured. All through school I was showing the signs of suicide (and my daughter is showing them too) but back then I had no idea what the signs were.


So for anyone who needs to know:
Signs of Suicide

  • withdrawal from friends and family members
  • trouble in romantic relationships
  • difficulty getting along with others
  • changes in the quality of schoolwork or lower grades
  • rebellious behaviors
  • unusual gift-giving or giving away own possessions
  • appearing bored or distracted
  • writing or drawing pictures about death
  • running away from home
  • changes in eating habits
  • dramatic personality changes
  • changes in appearance (for the worse)
  • sleep disturbances
  • drug or alcohol abuse
  • talk of suicide, even in a joking way
  • having a history of previous suicide attempts
I chose this list because out of all those I glanced over this one had: changes in appearance. In 4th grade my hair was down to my pockets on my jeans. In 5th Grade I cut it down to a bob below my ears. My daughter’s main symptom? She cleaned her room and got rid of things I thought she cared about (like her Build a Bear Owl). 
After saying all this: This post was originally about how do I get my daughter’s grades up. She’s almost at the point that she may have to repeat 8th grade. (I, by miracle, actually passed and went onto Freshman High School.) The worst part is I don’t know if there is time for her to do it. Last day of school is May 23rd, she has a month. 😣

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Decisions & How to Fuck Up at Work

If only this worked 100% of the time. Now before you say it can, I have a husband, two children, a mortgage and car payment… and credit card debt and some loan debt. Decisions are now made based upon what is the best choice for us as a family unit.

I posted this in reference to work actually. So I fucked up yesterday. Not royally, not in front of any customers, and nothing that would affect the reputation or sales of the company. What I did was call a supervisor a dick. Not to her face not to her supervisor, but to a lateral supervisor.

I owned up to it. I sent an e-mail to my manager about being angry and how I lashed out and how unprofessional it was and I apologized.

I was angry because I had been placed in a boring position and was lonely and no one came and checked on me for four and a half hours. I literally felt forgotten about. No one came by and asked if I needed anything, or if I was doing okay. So I was seething and angry, and just stewing about how I hadn’t gotten a break. It wasn’t this shift, it was a lot of shifts that once I got lunch, I didn’t get another break, and I worked a shift where I got nothing, no break, no lunch. So this shift it seemed that I wasn’t getting a break (and I didn’t get one) and I felt like it was because this one Head Cashier doesn’t like me. (Probably anxiety talking, where I feel like I just bother people by breathing.) I felt singled out, so I told the Head Cashier, not the one that I think doesn’t like me, but another one that So & So is Dick. The Head Cashier said I shouldn’t say that, especially to another Head Cashier and she wouldn’t say anything.

So after I sent the e-mail, I sat there and wondered if I had made the right decision. I mean the Head Cashier said she wouldn’t say anything (but I didn’t trust her) figured she might tell it as a story to someone else, and then someone else would go tell the Head Cashier I think doesn’t like me. I’m still second guessing if I should’ve sent the e-mail or not. If I’m going to have a job when I show up to work on Thursday. I’m literally drowning in anxiety here.

My biggest problem is I’ll make a decision, then later worry about if I made the wrong one, then change my decision and again worry if the I had made the right choice the first time.

Martha Stewart, We Have Very Different Tastes

Once again a food post. I made this:

Three Bean Pasta Salad

It looked like this:

I served it with a BLT sandwich that was divine. However I followed the recipe according to directions, tasted it (cause you’re supposed to salt and pepper to taste) and all I could taste was red wine vinegar, which tasted like wine gone over (which is what happens to wine when it spoils, it becomes vinegar) and was awful. So I doubled the amount of mustard and honey which made the salad better. My other alternative was to try to rinse off the pasta and beans and just pour over it my favorite Italian dressing. Sadly the best thing about this salad was the celery.

I Have Better Things to Do With Salami

So I made this:

Tasted like a cream cheese and mustard that smelled like salami.
So I made a second sandwich from an old hors d’oeuvre recipe that was much better. I don’t have photos of it. It didn’t last long enough.
The old hors d’oeuvre recipe is hard salami, cream cheese and sweet gherkins. Most people take the salami, spread cream cheese on it, then wrap it around a sweet gherkin. I slice my gherkin into half so the pickle doesn’t overpower everything else.
So I decided to make this into a sandwich. I spread the cream cheese on the sandwich, placed the gherkins, sliced of course to lay flat, and then added salami. It was almost divine, however my husband and I decided to next time to make a spread of the cream cheese and chopped gherkins and that way.

Why This Won’t Be a Food Blog

After having a bag of Gardetto’s, water, and a paperback novel for lunch I decided I wanted to try to take my lunch to work because I don’t want to get too burned out too quickly on White Castles (my favorite fast food other than Taco Bell).

However… I’m a really lousy cook and not to mention a picky eater. I usually don’t try new foods because I don’t want to be grossed out. There are also foods I don’t like such as salmon (way too many salmon patties as a kid) or avocado. I’ll eat guacamole, but only if I have to (such as my Mexican food has it already on it.) I don’t like hummus (tastes like creamed tortilla chips to me.)

I googled easy work lunch ideas and most were tuna salad variations, egg salad variations, some salads I would never want to try. Like this one:

Cherry Almond Farro Salad

What is farro? The salad looks like rice crispies with cherries in it. However there were some things I’m willing to try, such as a mashed chickpea salad, and a tuna cabbage salad. So I went ahead and picked out 4 or was it 5 new recipes, one being a pasta and bean salad, to try for lunches at work. The problem is I need to try them before taking them as a work lunch. I’d hate to make my lunch and find it tasted awful and I end up having White Castles anyway. Starting tomorrow I’ll try and taste a recipe from the ones I’ve found that appeal to me. All the recipes are on my Pinterest Board: Recipes to Try

Resolutions for 2017

I wanted to get this up yesterday, but I was busy with the Sims 3…  I need to get some screenshots for my FB page. My current goal is to get my main Sim and her spouse their lifetime goal. Ain’t been easy. Everytime my Sim’s spouse gets promoted he seems to get demoted!
Okay, resolutions. I want to drink less (probably made that one last year) and so far failing miserably. I’ve drank the 31st, and the 1st. I’ve got a Sober tracking app and then a drink tracking app. I want to only drink once or twice a week, but I think I may have to go some stretches without drinking at all because when I do try to only drink once or twice a week then I wind up drinking every day of the week.
Cardio! I’m going to try to keep up doing cardio 5 days a week (at the moment I’m only doing it once or twice a week.)
Be responsible! This is where I envy my sims, they don’t have to do laundry and they have a maid clean the house. I mean be responsible as in doing more housework. I’m really a slob.
Get some orders on my Etsy shop. I don’t mean have the shop my main source of income, but get an order every couple months.
Keep up with crocheting. All of November and December I’ve been a crocheting fiend. Making gloves, making an afghan. Once I finish my scraps afghan I’ll make another to sell or give away. I want to keep up with the chevrons but a slightly different pattern.
Definitely take a trip! I hope to actually visit Chicago this year. We live close and I’ve never been.

The Year in Review…

I’m writing this before work while eating toast trying to get rid of a hangover if that says anything about 2016 I dunno what does.

2016 for me was a horrible year, not as bad as 2015 according to my husband. In 2015 I was hospitalized for suicidal tendencies. I had lost my job, a dream job that I had finally decided to make a career. I had friends, I had great connections, and once I was fired I was suddenly non existent to these friends and connections. I felt invisible and was overwhelmed with loneliness and self loathing that I thought the only way to solve my problems was to remove myself from this world. Then after getting help, getting medication, and getting better, my brother-in-law was arrested for downloading child pornography and molesting my daughter, all under my roof and I didn’t know it until the police barged through the door. I panic now at loud noises. However that was 2015, we’re here to talk about 2016.

2016 brought bed bugs, head lice, mites (on the rats) and fleas. So basically the year of the parasites. I had to borrow money to pay for a heat treatment for the bedbugs, took 3 weeks to get rid of my daughter’s head lice (you wanna know what worked? Vinegar, she smelled like a salad for a while, and after drenching her head in straight vinegar I spent 2 hours pulling out nits.) I’m still battling fleas. I’m hoping once it turns cold and stays cold, I’ll be able to  get rid of them.

2016 also brought change. I changed jobs twice. In February I got a job at KFC, liked my work, liked my hours, was offered full time, was making minimum wage though. I quit because the management didn’t like me and when I worked, I worked entirely with management. When I accepted full time I went from 40 hours a week to 10. I quit in April and started at Wendy’s. Once again I liked what I did, the hours weren’t bad. I was hired to close the dining room, so when I cleaned the dining room I listened to audiobooks (which is how I managed to read so many books this year). This job was the opposite of KFC, the management liked me, but my coworkers did not. My coworkers were some of the laziest, unkind, and entitled acting people I’d ever met. I spent so much of my blog complaining about the goings on at Wendy’s. So I went looking for a new job, got one at MotoMart making $0.75 more an hour. I quit after 3 days! I’m so glad I did. I was treated worse there than any other place I’d ever worked. In November I quit Wendy’s and got a job beginning of December with Lowe’s. They pay me a lot more, but work my a lot less. Still the paychecks are about the same. I like Lowe’s better so far, the management and the co workers all seem cool.

2016 brought new lessons in home-ownership, like calling two different a/c repair guys and one telling me I need a new a/c unit and the other just cleaning it (which fixed its problems.) In December the bathtub drain started to leak and I’m so very proud of myself, watched YouTube videos and replaced the tub drain for about $30 and it only took maybe an hour of work. I spent most of the time playing with the plumber’s putty. Also the desktop computer crapped out twice, which caused me to replace the outlet it is plugged into on my own. Once again, only cost like $20 and took me maybe 30 minutes. We also learned the difference between “power strip” and “surge protector.”

2016 saw me return to World of Warcraft after watching the Warcraft movie. I’m in a good guild, with good people, who play everyday and we chat in Discord, every day. I started streaming my gaming, but I’m not the greatest at commentary, but I’m working on it. I’m also crocheting so much I decided to open up an Etsy shop. We’ll see how long this goes. I’m currently making a scarf and a shawl to put up for sale. Might make an afghan too.

2016 gave Paul a car, he has a Hyundai Genesis now, so now no more new car envy, well except the fact the car is gold and not maroon or blue which are his favorite colors. We have a car payment (which is why I have a job) for the first time in years. This car is also a lot newer than any car we’ve ever bought. Before though we bought an old Ford Explorer for $650, then put $300 with the work into to get it legal. Then we traded it in on the Genesis, how much did they give us for it? $400.

I lost my grandmother in July of 2016, other than some cousins I haven’t seen since my mother’s funeral I have no living family on my mother’s side. It was also the first time I ever planned a funeral. I have all of grandma’s things from the nursing home, and most I threw away, but I still have her recliner, no idea what to do with it.

I gained a cat in 2016, Black Betty, who is the perfect cat except that she’s really gross and will sneeze globs and strings of snot everywhere. She sleeps by my arms at night, she rides on my shoulders, she’s annoying, but not a much as the other cats. I also gained a dog, I have a Beagle named Maggie and her whining for whatever she wants bugs the hell out of me. Last night she kept pacing the room, and I have hardwood floors so all I heard was tap, tap, tap, tap, She’s a good dog, but the most annoying pet I own. She whines for everything! To be petted, to get on the couch, to be fed, to be watered, to go outside, for a treat, to go for a walk, to ride in the car…

I admit my 2016 blog was mostly about depression and how work sucked, but it also was something else. It was the first time I kept up a blog. I mean I picked blogging back up in May and yes there are some gaps in there. I didn’t blog everyday (my life isn’t that exciting or dramatic) but I managed to blog at least several times a month. I’ve been playing Sims 3 and I could do a whole blog about the drama in that game! Or like how I laid in bed last night wondering if I was a Sim…

I hope to post about my resolutions next (there aren’t that many) and hopefully find a way to keep them.

Also today is my mother’s birthday. She’d have been 58.