The Dream Became Real

I walked out on my job Saturday night. I was scheduled off Sunday, and scheduled to work today, but I think I’m not going. So let’s talk about Saturday night.
I used to like Jaslene. I thought she was cool, funny, and assumed she liked me too. Because of my depression, my mood has been all silence and sadness and suicidal thoughts and trying to hold back tears and still function. I dreaded going to work so much I got an upset stomach just thinking about work.
So for the three shifts of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, she’s been unapproachable. I mean, earbuds in as soon as she gets there. She’s lately been the drive thru sandwich maker every shift, and because we’ve been short handed, we’ve not been able to open inside sandwiches. However, even the times inside sandwiches can be opened, she still does this annoying thing. The way we’ve always done it, is when the sandwiches are made for an order, they get put on the counter where drive thru packs the orders. Basically a sign that the sandwiches for that order are done. When they’re for the front counter, they get put on the other side of the bread toaster. Jaslene doesn’t do this, she just leaves the sandwiches on the sandwich board. So I have no idea if they’re for inside or drive and she doesn’t make the orders in order either, she makes drive thru’s sandwiches before she makes inside. He excuse was and I quote, “Inside can wait.” However you can’t ask her what the sandwiches are for because she has in earbuds! So it is completely confusing. I wanted so badly to say, “If you can’t be bothered to put the sandwiches where they go, you could at least have the courtesy of calling out that a particular order is up.”
Wednesday night, she’s making sandwiches, and I’m on drive thru, I needed a thumb to correct an order. So I call for Brenton through the headset to come and fix this order. Jaslene loses her shit because I didn’t ask for her thumb. She’s not talking to me about it though,she’s talking to anyone else in earshot about how I didn’t ask for her thumb and if I was gonna be this way, then I was just gonna be this way. I wanted to say, and didn’t, “You’ve been unapproachable for the last 3 shifts!”
I called in Friday, I played hooky, but wound up in the ER with my husband for most of my shift anyway. He had chest pains. He’s fine, ER did a stress test, it wasn’t his heart they are thinking gastrointestinal.
Saturday I went into work. I’m on drive thru, Jaslene is put on drive thru with me. She wasn’t scheduled to close, but I had no idea what time she was supposed to leave, cause at first she says she’s leaving at 8 PM. Jaslene didn’t want to work drive with me, she asked everyone to change positions with her, no one would. I was order taking and drink making, she was on back cash. All she did was stand at her register, no headset on, and drum her nails on the counter, and play on her phone. She didn’t pack orders (usually back cash kinda gets forced to packing orders when we’re short handed), she just stood there. Then she kept disappearing, I’d turn around and she’d be gone. Orders would need to be cashed out, packed and handed out. She’s show up a few minutes later, it wasn’t like she had gone to get something that needed stocking, nope, cause she called out that she needed napkins. Between 5 PM & 8 PM she left three times to ‘go eat,’ and one time the manager yelled at her to hurry up. So 8 PM shows  up and she’s still there, by now drive thru has slowed down and she’s technically still on back cash but had migrated to working fries rather than back cashing, so I was now taking orders, making drinks, cashing and handing them out (we usually don’t do this until 10 PM). Well at 9:10 she calls out that she’s got 50 minutes left and by this time I’m internally saying ‘Hallelujah’ cause once she’s gone she’ll be out of my hair and my night will get better.
10 PM comes and she’s migrated to making sandwiches again and she says to the manager she’ll stay to close, the manager says, “Thank you.” Then they go on about how great Jaslene is for staying. She does this all the time though. I’d be surprised the one night she doesn’t stay. I literally can’t work with this girl anymore.
I try to tell management that, and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” I try to tell management that I don’t like the way I’m treated by her and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” So I took off my headset, put it down.
“You don’t need me anymore,” I tried to clock out, can’t because I have to be checked out before I can clock out and just left.
I told my husband what happened, and he asked if I was going to go back to work Monday, and nope, probably not.

Now here’s the thing, I already got a job lined up, I just wasn’t going to quit my fast food job until I found another job. I was making $7.75 an hour. My new job is offering $11.49 an hour. I just have to pass a drug and background check, which as I just typed that, wondered if they’ll find and read my blog. So I googled myself, and was pleasantly surprised that the only footprint I have are my LinkedIn and Facebook show up. My FB is nicely underwraps, I’m careful about public posts and my LinkedIn is meant for employers to look at.

0 Self Confidence @Work

I dream of a better job, and I dream of quitting my job, and then I took on extra hours. I’m scheduled 50 hours next week, I have 1 day off, Thursday. (I’m also trying to write a novel this month.) However they approved to allow me to come into work late on Sundays for the month of November so I can attend the weekly write-ins.

I really don’t know where to begin or how much is all in my head, and how much to believe. Let’s start with the burn. I was pulling putting back the fryer filter when a coworker we’ll call Chloe, is trying to put nuggets in the fryer next to where I’m kneeling. As she’s dropping nuggets in, I’ve got my arm on the edge of the fryer about to come up to my feet from my knees. A nugget goes plop and I get burned. It hurt. So I clutch my arm to me in pain. Another coworker (I think we call her Vanessa) was standing on the other side of me. She’s saying over and over, “It was one drop! It was one drop! It was one drop!” Well it wasn’t one drop. I’ve got one nickel sized burn, 2 dime sized ones, and a couple of pencil eraser sized ones one both sides of my arm. They hurt. I keep telling Vanessa it hurts. The Manager is agreeing with me. I finish what I was doing, then go to the sink and run cold water over the burns. Vanessa is wailing, mocking me, saying my reaction for clutching my arm to me was delayed and it was only one drop!


I keep telling Vanessa it hurts! It feels like my arm is on fire. Brett, God bless his little cotton socks, brings me a triple antibiotic packet from the first aid kit and says this will help. I thank him. He is the nicest guy sometimes, and I honestly think sometimes, the only one at work who actually likes me.

So I attempt to go on with my shift, I have another fryer to clean, I’m keeping meat up on the holding grill, I’m giving the girl on sandwiches all the spicy chicken she keeps asking for. So I keep hearing Vanessa wail and the girls laughing and joking. I think they’re laughing and joking about me, because I hear Vanessa say, “I got hit in the neck with a fry!” Then she gives this loud wail. So my mood is just tanking. I keep waiting for her to lose interest in the fact she thinks I’m over reacting to being burned. Two hours of this goes on, and I’m seriously trying not to cry. I’m literally yelling at myself in my mind that I’m a grown woman of 35, and I shouldn’t be crying! She is still carrying on to the point that the manager tells her to shut up! The girl on sandwiches tells her to calm down.


I finally decided I need to confront Vanessa about how her mocking me is affecting me. I hear her say, “I almost got hit by a nugget,” Then she wails again. Then I overhear her talking about how I used to call her, ‘Bro Bro,’ which I never did. I was calling Conspiracy Theorist Guy, Bry Bry. So this is how I think she’s about me and I need to make her stop.

I say, “Vanessa! You’re a horrible person for mocking me. You’ve hurt my feelings,” I’m crying freely now.

She says, “Naw I wasn’t talking about you! That was earlier. What made you think I was talking about you?” I tell her her about the wailing she’s been doing all night and she says that is her mating call. She wailed again.

So my self confidence decided to run off and join the other side. Now I’m thinking: What if it’s all in my head? What if she’s right and I’ve just been stewing in my own juices? What if I’m overreacting and over thinking things?


She tells me not to cry and she doesn’t want me to cry. I’m feeling stupid, and of course the tears are flowing faster. The whole shift has come to a stop, I mean everyone is watching. I’m sorry for calling her horrible. I kinda nod that I accept what she’s said. It wasn’t her, it was all in my head and we just go back to work. Nothing is said about it the rest of night.

Now this part I know is in my head, because I heard nothing and made up what I wanted to believe. Jaslene and Brett have been having this work fling thing. They go out to the dumpster together and I think they make out, but I’ve never seen them. Other co workers are speculating that Jaslene just wants an affair and Brett doesn’t seem like the type to settle down with a girl. Anyway after I had my break down, they have a sort of break-up for a couple of hours. They didn’t flirt at all. I mean the entire time my mood was in the shitter, they didn’t flirt. They started flirting again when my mood was better. I think they know I watch them, I don’t say anything except the off sexual comment. Jaslene had the sprayer hose and was trying to spray Brett who was across the room. I shout, “There are better ways to make him wet!”
I like to think that they didn’t flirt while I was feeling sorry for myself and crying was because they had enough respect or liked me enough to not show how great everything was between them while I was feeling so shitty. I have no idea why they didn’t flirt, maybe the manager was watching, dunno. I really shouldn’t be up in the business but I usually say comments about their relationship and Brett agrees with me.

Getting Away with Shit @ Work

We need to talk about Jaslene (not her real name of course) and how the things she gets away with drive me crazy and I know it ain’t my business (it isn’t) but I just need to vent. (Also the character Jaslene in my upcoming novel is actually based off the girl I’m about to rant about.)

(I need to put in a thing about how I accept that I’m not allowed to discriminate against people with disabilities, and I usually genuinely like her, except for tonight, she pissed me off, probably why I’m ranting.)

Jaslene has worked for the fast food company for 3 years. (So I get that is where is she granted leniency.) She recently began having seizures. One of was so bad she broke her foot, banged up her face and did some other damage to herself. (She didn’t have it at work.) As far as I know she’s not diagnosed epileptic, she just has seizures and is on a medication to control them. (I also mentioned that she could get a service dog that would notify her of seizures before they happen. See I was nice!) From what I understand she has to take her medication with food and at specific times a day, 7:15 PM being one of them and I know this, because of this: Everyday management at work ask her if she’s taken her meds. She then claims that she needs to eat to take her meds. So she is allowed to take a paid lunch to eat and take her meds. Jaslene just doesn’t eat like a couple of nuggets and take her meds, she makes a sandwich, fries, (sometimes a sandwich and a potato) and a drink and goes sits down in the dining room and eats. This is at 7:15 PM. Then at 8 PM-ish, she takes an unpaid lunch and leaves the store for 30 minutes.

The reason I’m bothered by this is because I was told to eat between customers, and when I did I was accused of not getting up to help customers because the manager never saw me get up (I actually blogged about this here: Pet Peeves @ Work ) so now I don’t sit down to eat anymore. I just make my sandwich (usually a small $1 one) and stand at the trash can behind grill to eat it. I’m usually never out of line of sight with my station.

The reason I wanted to blog about Jaslene is truly this. I like Jaslene, always have. Currently she and Brett are having a thing, pretty sure they’re “taking out the trash” just to make out at the dumpster (it is enclosed). Brett lives at home, and Jaslene has a “fiancĂ©.” Tonight Jaslene was a dick. She put in her earbuds around 6 PM and ignored everyone. She worked sandwiches and I worked grill, so I need her to communicate with me over how much chicken she has available or how much meat she’s taking from the grill. She didn’t say jack to me and when I tried to talk to her, she ignored me. This made me feel low, unwanted, which developed into an anger towards her tonight.

Intuitive Sucks!

I don’t consider myself an empath. Like psychics I don’t believe they exist, but if they did I would almost consider myself one. An empath, not a psychic, psycho for sure, but not a psychic. However, along with ghosts and aliens, I’m opening minded, and haven’t seen either, so if someone could prove to me they were a psychic or an empath, I would be made to believe.

I’ve always considered myself passionate. I care about things and people and stuff. I also cry very easily. I cry when I’m insulted, I cry when bad things happen to strangers, I cry at commercials, movies, songs and video games. I cried at the end of God of War 3. My husband says, “Why are you crying? He was an asshole!”

I’ve never been able to figure out or read body language well, can’t tell if people are lying or not unless I know the truth before they lie. I’m a trusting soul, and very forgiving. However I’ve always picked up on emotion. Not that I can tell someone is sad or angry, but often I feel it too. Let me give an example:

A girl and I did not get along at work. She has a bad attitude. She was recently talked to by management and told to get a better attitude. She didn’t like me because she said I was calling her racial slur (I wasn’t) just because I knew she didn’t like it. Well suddenly she had a great new attitude. She was friendly, she said please and thank you, she addressed me by name. I even commented to management about her turn around. I hoped that now we might be able to be work friends. One day I came into work and she wouldn’t talk to me. I could just feel it coming off her, and I asked her if she was alright. She just turned away from me. So I let a few minutes pass (I was gathering up courage) and I could already feel the the tears coming. So I told her that if she was upset with me, I was sorry, and that if I do something that upsets her, she has to let me know. (By this time I was crying.) Because if she’s upset then I’m upset. She says she just has a lot on her mind.

Let’s talk about Brett, Brett is my favorite employee at the fast food company I work for. He is so many times wonderful. He’s extremely quiet, and when he does speak, it is usually in hushed tones. He’s like a severe introvert at work, but I asked him if he was as introverted at work as he was with friends and he said no. I make it my goal to tell him things that will make him smile or shake his head in disbelief. When I asked if he would miss me when I quit the fast food job he said yes that there will be 1 less person around who actually works. I took that as a huge compliment. Anyway, Brett gets angry easily. He has a temper, and I’ve seen it, he’s never taken it out on me, but he’s been cruel to some cooler doors, and boxes. So last Sunday he’s angry, I can feel it. However unlike where the girl was upset and I was upset too, I don’t get angry. I feel his anger, but I turn it into avoidance and attempt to try to diffuse his anger.

He was angry several nights ago over the fact he had to close grill and back room. So I offered to go halfsies on grill with him. He cleaned the chicken grill and fryer filters and I’d do the rest. He agreed and it calmed him down. On Sunday he was having to close inside sandwiches and back room, so I went to him again and said I’d help him. (Once again, his being angry was bringing me to tears, but I didn’t cry.) He told me no, he wasn’t going to close the sandwich station the way that management wanted. It wasn’t fair that he was the one who always had to close multiple stations.

Of course after typing this out and trying to explain what it feels like to feel something from another person. It is probably just all inside my head, and I just worry myself to tears, but I so often take it upon myself to make others feel better or to not feel alone or to just let them know that I know how they feel.

I QUIT!

Yes, that is actually me, Ransacked Turnip.

So I only worked for the c-store for 3 days. I was already second guessing my decision to leave the fast food restaurant for the c-store on Day 2.  After Day 3 I was googling if it was okay to quit a new job and if so, what was the best way to do it. Before we get into that, let’s look at what happened in those 3 days that made me decide to quit.

Day 1 – Actually wasn’t that bad. I watched videos, read part of a manual that was an inch thick, took out trash, scrubbed the toilets and stocked cups and lids, and learned some of the more intricate rules, such as the cell phone policy is so strict that you aren’t even allowed to charge your phone much less be on it at work. I was actually kinda okay with this, I was pretty sure I could sneak phone usage in the bathroom. (It was how I did it at KFC). They impressed me about how great their smoke break system was. You worked 3 hours, took a break, worked 2 more, took a break, worked 2 more, took a break. Sadly that only happened on the first day. The next two days I got a 5-7 minute break between 9-9:30 and that was it. (I worked 6:30-2 during my training.) However on Day 1, the girl training me said to me, “We can’t really keep people. Sometimes they quit on their first day or right after training.”
“Oh really? Why do you think is that?” I asked her. I was immediately thinking of what kind of people they hired since they told me a girl stole $80 from the purse of another girl on her first day.
“They probably think this is an easy job.”
“It is an easy job, I’ve done c-store before. Stocking the cooler is the hardest part.” Well I quit after my training. 

Day 2 – I worked some register, read more manual, followed my “trainer” around while she showed me everything in the store. Checked in a delivery, stocked the cooler, scrubbed toilets again, took out trash again, got a crash course in learning how to do money orders, prepaid cell phone cards, running checks, and then spent my last 3 hours of the day watching the assitant manager work the register. I was bored out of my skull and I couldn’t talk to her because one of the first things she says to me is, “I can’t stand people who are happy all the time.”
“Then we aren’t going to get along,” I reply, and immediately withdrew. Okay, so I’ve been working my fast food job the same time as training. The c-store manager asked me what time do I work my fast food job, and I said 5 PM – 2 AM. My training shifts were 6:30 AM – 2 PM as I mentioned before. So I was getting like 4 hours of sleep between jobs at night and another hour and a half in the afternoon. I was dog tired and on my 2nd day I had trouble staying awake while driving home. So while I was bored and I was tired. I felt I could’ve learned and done more than just standing there for three hours!!! Also learned that my undershirt can not be longer than my work shirt, and that I can’t say, “Hey how’s it going?” or “Take care.” I must say, “Hello, how are you?” and “Thank you.” This kinda gyrated on me a little. Seemed stupidly strict. I also counted down a drawer for the first time in almost 7 seven years. and yeah I was exhausted and sleep affects your mental capacity, and the assistant manager was trying to teach me the paperwork at the end of the shift, which seemed stupid, I had to write down how many coupons I got, how many lotto tickets I paid out, but I also had to save the lotto tickets and coupons (if I save them, why do I need to record them?) and how much I was over/short (once again, I had to save the paper that told me, so why write it down?). She had no patience for me, when I was keying numbers into the calculator or trying to register what she was saying to me. When I tried to count down the drawer I wrote down the denominations of the change and was going to add them up at the end, I was told to keep a running tally in my head.  I couldn’t even process what the girl was saying much less remember numbers. The Assistant Manager is very negative and said all men suck (which they don’t, my husband is great) and she commented about how tan she was and I said I don’t do outdoors and she jumps down my throat and says that if your water line breaks in your yard you get outdoors and dig it up and fix it. (I was completely withdrawn to just agreeing with whatever she said.) I wanted to say that actually you call the water company, and if the leak is outside the house, they repair it, but I didn’t. When I got home and talked to my husband I literally said I couldn’t stand the assistant manager.

Day 3 – First of all, my period started. So I’m all wonky hormones, and once again I’m tired and I had food poisoning. I woke up feeling like shit. I was vomiting and had diarrhea, extremely bloated, I had pooed 3 times in 30 minutes. I honestly considered calling into my shift, but I decided that I would go into work anyway, maybe get to go home early or get some leniency. The entire way to work I was worried I might have to pull over and throw up. I thought going to work sick meant I was showing dedication but apparently not…
So I casually mention to my co-worker/trainer that I was sick with food poisoning, that I was throwing up and had diarrhea. I told her I had considered calling into work today, but went ahead and decided to come into work. I nibbled crackers and drank really watered down gatorade trying to calm my stomach. Every time I bent over I got light headed. I decided to go ahead and tough out the day. So as I’m doing trash, the general manager marches across the parking lot to the pumps where I am and says to me that she heard from the other girl that I was sick and had considered calling into work, and how I hadn’t told her I was sick. I told her I had planned to just tough out the day. She tells me that this isn’t fast food, if we’re sick, we still have to come into work. That if we’re too sick to work, then we need to go to the doctor. I told her I didn’t call in, I didn’t ask to go home early, and I was on time today. (In the course of the lecture about attendance I told the manager this three times!) She told me she had only missed 3 days in her so many years, and left early once (she left early that day btw). She said she didn’t spend all this time and money to hire someone who is sick all the time. She then mimicked holding her stomach and mocked saying that her stomach hurt. She said she’s hired teenagers before (I am not a teen) that use that excuse just to go home early. She then told me that another girl has IBS and she works through it. (I almost took off my shirt and handed it to her and quit right there. I mean seriously I hadn’t done anything wrong yet and I was getting treated like this was a repeat occurrence!) She said she scheduled me 3 days next week and that if I was going to call in sick on any of them I needed to let her know now so she could give those shifts to someone else. Those three shifts? One 8 hour shift and two 5 hour shifts. She had scheduled me only 18 hours. I was pulling 40+ at my fast food job. I did the math, even with the $0.75 pay increase, I was still gonna be pulling down half of what I was making.
I finished my shift, went home, took a nap, then went to my fast food job, where I had put in my 2 weeks (17th was to be my last day) and I sidled up next to my favorite manager and said, “I hate my new job.”

So I talked to my coworkers at the fast food job about can I ask not to quit that job, and if I can quit the new c-store job. I found two websites that gave advice on how to quit a new job, or even if you should.
How to Quit Your New Job
How Do I Quit A Job I Just Started?
I decided that if my fast food job wasn’t going to keep me, I was going to stick with the c-store until I could find another job. So I went to the management of my fast food job and told them that my new c-store job was horrible and I wanted to quit and would like to know if I would undo my 2 week notice and stay. They seemed oddly happy and gave my my notice back. I said that I still had open availability and could work anything. The assistant manager said she was already plugging me into shifts while I was talking.  (Later I learned that after telling my favorite manager that I hated my new job, the upper management were telling him they weren’t sure how to cover my shifts and he said you might wanna talk to Turnip.)

So I spent the rest of the evening wondering if I should no-call/no-show it, or go up there in person and drop off my shirt and name tag and say I quit. If management was there should I tell them why I’m quitting? I asked the assistant manager at the fast food joint what should I do and she says, “Are you going to use them as a reference?”
“No,” I reply, “I’m never gonna mention I even worked for them.”
“Then I’d be like ‘Bye Felicia!'”
Actually I took the higher road. I drove in before my shift started, the assistant manager was there, I asked to speak to her privately, gave her my shirt and name tag and gave her feedback on why I was quitting. Normally Negative Nancy was polite, formal, almost professional when I quit which made me feel they knew it was coming.

And then a blurb about shenanigans at the fast food job. So I pissed a girl off at work last night, I apologized to her, and she wouldn’t accept it. Then I pissed her off again and she couldn’t work the rest of the night with me, and I didn’t care. I’m there to work, serve the guests in a courteous and timely manner, not to make friends or have fun. The girl I pissed off is a mouthy, belligerent, short fused degenerate. She fits in well actually with the rest of the crew who act entitled, sadly which is almost all the female crew. I don’t feel or act entitled. I do what I’m asked, work where they put me, work my station to the best of my ability, and am always a nice person.
I pissed off the girl because she kept forgetting to press a button that allowed me to pay the orders in drive thru, and said jokingly because of it we couldn’t be friends, and she stormed off, told a manager, I apologized, she took two more orders, a guest came to the speaker with multiple orders and the girl said, not to the guest, that, “Oh hell no! I ain’t taking no multiple orders!”
The guest said, “Hello?” So I took the orders and she stormed out of the drive thru again. I didn’t apologize, I hadn’t done anything wrong. She was being the awful employee, and she switched positions with another girl.

I mentioned once about all the hours I get at my fast food job to one of the managers and he said, “That means they like you.” Apparently if they don’t like you, they’ll schedule you 10 hours trying to force you to quit.

I Got a New Job

Today was my second day at my new job and already I’m second guessing choosing to have accepted this position and having put in my two weeks at my old job. I even contemplating actually blogging about it. I was reading the handbook today and it said three things that stuck out at me.
  1. You shouldn’t talk about your wage. Handbook says it makes other associates uncomfortable. (Adam Ruins Everything says that it is illegal.) No it pisses them off when they realize they’re underpaid. With my new job I’m going from $7.75 an hour to $8.50 an hour.
  2. Handbook says that it is not a contract even though they had me initial a lot of it.
  3. I’m not allowed to talk outside of the company what goes on in the company. (This one worries me a bit. See I’ve been griping about my former job, which I never named, and never named my management and co workers.
Let me first admit to being sleep deprived, I worked at my former job till 11 PM, then had to be up at 5:30 AM to go to work at my new job. If I hadn’t called in tonight then I be getting off at 1 AM and have to be up at 5:30 AM.
So I get 3 days of training at my new job and then “turned loose” is the best term. Now there are perks to my new job, better pay, better hours, benefits, holiday pay, sick days and vacation days, and self management. The first day I worked I commented on how the person who trained me would get $100 if I worked 90 days without a write up. The girl tells me that so many people don’t stay, that in 3 years she’s only gotten the $100 twice. She says some stay for their training and quit, some after their first day. This should’ve been warning bells.
Today was my 2nd day and I already can’t stand the assistant manager. The first thing she says to me is, “I can’t stand people who are always happy.”
I replied, “Then you and I aren’t going to get along.” I think I feel sorry for her, because she isn’t happy.
Also, they are really strict about weird things, such as my undershirt can’t be longer than my work shirt.  I cannot greet a customer, “Hey, how’s it going?” I have to say, “Hello, how are you?” I must also thank every customer. They’re also anal about the way I count down a drawer and how to file paperwork.
I spent nearly two hours standing behind another cashier, watching her serve customer. This cashier was also the assistant manager, and after I found out I can’t talk to her. She cares not for my anecdotes or useless trivia. So I shut up. This was the last hour I worked. I was bored out of my skull just standing there. So the store manager puts me on a register finally, and she makes the comment that I just ‘tanked’ about an hour ago. That is because I was bored and I don’t like the girl was “shadowing.”

I just need to make it through training and then I should be happy. Once I’m done with training I shouldn’t come into contact that much with the assistant manager. One of the shifts I’ll be by myself for a good chunk of it and that makes me happy.