Decisions & How to Fuck Up at Work

If only this worked 100% of the time. Now before you say it can, I have a husband, two children, a mortgage and car payment… and credit card debt and some loan debt. Decisions are now made based upon what is the best choice for us as a family unit.

I posted this in reference to work actually. So I fucked up yesterday. Not royally, not in front of any customers, and nothing that would affect the reputation or sales of the company. What I did was call a supervisor a dick. Not to her face not to her supervisor, but to a lateral supervisor.

I owned up to it. I sent an e-mail to my manager about being angry and how I lashed out and how unprofessional it was and I apologized.

I was angry because I had been placed in a boring position and was lonely and no one came and checked on me for four and a half hours. I literally felt forgotten about. No one came by and asked if I needed anything, or if I was doing okay. So I was seething and angry, and just stewing about how I hadn’t gotten a break. It wasn’t this shift, it was a lot of shifts that once I got lunch, I didn’t get another break, and I worked a shift where I got nothing, no break, no lunch. So this shift it seemed that I wasn’t getting a break (and I didn’t get one) and I felt like it was because this one Head Cashier doesn’t like me. (Probably anxiety talking, where I feel like I just bother people by breathing.) I felt singled out, so I told the Head Cashier, not the one that I think doesn’t like me, but another one that So & So is Dick. The Head Cashier said I shouldn’t say that, especially to another Head Cashier and she wouldn’t say anything.

So after I sent the e-mail, I sat there and wondered if I had made the right decision. I mean the Head Cashier said she wouldn’t say anything (but I didn’t trust her) figured she might tell it as a story to someone else, and then someone else would go tell the Head Cashier I think doesn’t like me. I’m still second guessing if I should’ve sent the e-mail or not. If I’m going to have a job when I show up to work on Thursday. I’m literally drowning in anxiety here.

My biggest problem is I’ll make a decision, then later worry about if I made the wrong one, then change my decision and again worry if the I had made the right choice the first time.

Blogging About Work

My blog is my vent lately and the only thing upsetting me is my job. I’ve already started to look for a new one, I’ve a job interview with Lowe’s on Thursday at 3 PM. I’m gonna have to google soon about how to best present myself and impress upon the interviewer that I’m a good candidate for a cashier. Let’s go back to my current soul sucking job. I’ve been trying to look up how to deal with the people I work with. I’m seriously hoping that I only have to deal with them for a few more days (end of November at the most) but I actually dread working drive thru with Wanda. Remember I mentioned that she told me we couldn’t work drive thru together because we both have big butts. (Now I’m thinking I should go back to working out, even have a work out CD I like. Or meditate. I need to do something! I think I’m gonna post maybe tomorrow about making changes in my life.)

Anyway, last night at work I came across this website: 11 Signs Your Job is Making You Miserable As I read the list, so many of these were me exactly. So many so that I started reading them outloud to my boss (who knows I hate my job, but he can’t do a damn thing about it) and he just shook his head.

Actually let me take this time to mention the management team at my fast food job. Impotent. I’ve never really used that word to describe people but I’ve never seen a group of people who are management who are so powerless. It isn’t that management there sucks, it’s because they’re hands are constantly tied by the general manager. The only form of discipline they have at work is to send you home and reduce your number of hours scheduled. Yup, that is it.

There is an employee who only works one, five hour shift, that is all he’s scheduled and the management complains (I listen to them and they tell me things) that all they can do is send him home because he won’t work, and when they tell him to do his job he argues with them. Now they have fired a couple of people, one girl for standing at the fry station, eating fries right out of the bin… while standing at the fry station. They managed to fire three people who were friends, who all got hired on to work the closing shift, after a week all three of them couldn’t work past 10 PM (close shift if 1 AM and 2 AM) and they all have to work the same shift because apparently they carpool (only one drives) and if one of them gets angry and walks out, all three of them walk out because they don’t want to get left behind. They also were notorious for picking up extra shifts, and not working them for some reason or other. Two of the three used relatives dying as a reason to not perform at work. Management tried to send them home, but they claimed they needed the money.

So I was informed these people were fired, and suddenly this entire page of open shifts appeared on the notice board. Usually night shifts are the only open ones, but this was days too. After about two days I noticed that the people who were supposed to have been fired were signed up to fill these open shifts.

I understand we’re desperate for people, but we need to enforce some way of getting people to work. Once people realize they won’t get fired, their productivity plummets. Then morale goes with it, because we’re picking up their slack, not getting paid anymore for it, and they’re at work on their phones, sitting around, not doing anything and getting paid for it.

Now here I am, clinging to a high work ethic that won’t let me be late to work or take an extended break without having an anxiety attack. I treat all guests with politeness, courtesy and sympathy. I smile, I seem happy. I greeted a guest through the speaker and she commented on how cheerful I was and I said, “It’s all an act.” She replied, “No one can fake that.” And we both laughed.

This is my problem: I love my job but hate the people I work with.

It isn’t even just that I don’t like the people I work with. I don’t like how they treat me. Last night wasn’t so bad because they mostly left me alone. They left me alone because I was in a position that didn’t have much to deal with theirs, they were the drive thru team and I worked front counter. I’m a huge forgive and forget type, but I’ve gotten to the point I’m afraid to say anything or even make eye contact with them because I don’t want them to verbally hurt me. (After typing that I think that sounds so stupid, aren’t calling me names, so maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I just think they’re being mean to me.)

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me I just found this blog. Is it just anxiety or do the people I work with actually hate me? I mean last night the girls made a mess in the dining room for me to clean up and I even overheard one saying in disbelief that the other one was going to do it. I just cleaned it up, didn’t say anything about it. So now I’m wondering if they always made a mess or did they do it because I was cleaning the dining room that night? This is the shit I deal with, I go back and forth between is it me or is it all in my head?

I remember in therapy that I told a story about two coworkers who were a couple, and invited them to dinner and games at my house. I set a date and time in the future, texted them, and didn’t get a reply from either. Texted them again closer to the date, asking if this time was okay for them. Didn’t get a reply. Asked them in person at work why they didn’t respond to my text about dinner. Both claimed they had been busy. So I asked in person if the date was okay. Both said yes. Neither showed up for dinner. Neither called to cancel, and when I confronted them about it (which is something I normally do, I avoid confrontation) I was informed they both had felt that I would make them feel uncomfortable in such an intimate setting. I was crushed. I had put a lot of time, money and effort into these dinner plans. I totally attacked myself over it: What had I done to make them feel uncomfortable around me? What had I done that made them feel they couldn’t say no to the dinner plans? What was wrong with me that caused them to act this way? My therapist said, “I would’ve totally flipped the other way: What was wrong with them?

If anyone has read this post all the way through, look back through it, it is all about me being the victim, and all about what is wrong with me? Maybe it isn’t me, maybe it isn’t in my head, maybe the girls I work with have something wrong with them that causes them to treat me as such.

However I have no idea how to (I don’t even want to repair relationships) not be bothered by them.

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me

Having an anxiety disorder is like someone following you, whispering in your ear, I hate you. Learn how to deal with anxiety saying that everyone hates me.

Source: Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me

Let’s Talk Anxiety

When I was diagnosed with clinical depression I was not diagnosed with anxiety because I was diagnosed shortly after being hospitalized because I had reached the breaking point in my life. I actually had reached out to my husband and told him I was suicidal and if someone didn’t stop me I wasn’t much longer for this world. We didn’t know how to get help, or who to go to, so we went to the urgent care, who sent us to the ER, who then admitted me. I didn’t realize I was being admitted until they took my clothes and locked them up. They asked me lots of questions about anxiety and if I heard voices or saw things that weren’t there, about drug and alcohol use. I was so far over the bend that all I could think about was my depression and how worthless I was, how low I felt. While they were admitting me I felt that I was wasting their time with my problems. I wondered why they were bothering with me, surely there were people who were more worthy of help than me.

Now I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack, where you’re immobilized, unable to act, but lately I’ve been dreading work so much that I’ve actually felt sick to my stomach on my way to work. It takes everything inside me to go to work everyday. I try to be invisible at work lately. I don’t talk to the others, don’t joke, don’t even just hover around their conversation. I try to keep busy, out of their way, and silent. I hate working a position where I have to communicate with one of them. I don’t think if I have to work drive thru with a non-manager I’ll be able to do it. I’m not sure if this is anxiety or just part of my depression.