Decisions & How to Fuck Up at Work

If only this worked 100% of the time. Now before you say it can, I have a husband, two children, a mortgage and car payment… and credit card debt and some loan debt. Decisions are now made based upon what is the best choice for us as a family unit.

I posted this in reference to work actually. So I fucked up yesterday. Not royally, not in front of any customers, and nothing that would affect the reputation or sales of the company. What I did was call a supervisor a dick. Not to her face not to her supervisor, but to a lateral supervisor.

I owned up to it. I sent an e-mail to my manager about being angry and how I lashed out and how unprofessional it was and I apologized.

I was angry because I had been placed in a boring position and was lonely and no one came and checked on me for four and a half hours. I literally felt forgotten about. No one came by and asked if I needed anything, or if I was doing okay. So I was seething and angry, and just stewing about how I hadn’t gotten a break. It wasn’t this shift, it was a lot of shifts that once I got lunch, I didn’t get another break, and I worked a shift where I got nothing, no break, no lunch. So this shift it seemed that I wasn’t getting a break (and I didn’t get one) and I felt like it was because this one Head Cashier doesn’t like me. (Probably anxiety talking, where I feel like I just bother people by breathing.) I felt singled out, so I told the Head Cashier, not the one that I think doesn’t like me, but another one that So & So is Dick. The Head Cashier said I shouldn’t say that, especially to another Head Cashier and she wouldn’t say anything.

So after I sent the e-mail, I sat there and wondered if I had made the right decision. I mean the Head Cashier said she wouldn’t say anything (but I didn’t trust her) figured she might tell it as a story to someone else, and then someone else would go tell the Head Cashier I think doesn’t like me. I’m still second guessing if I should’ve sent the e-mail or not. If I’m going to have a job when I show up to work on Thursday. I’m literally drowning in anxiety here.

My biggest problem is I’ll make a decision, then later worry about if I made the wrong one, then change my decision and again worry if the I had made the right choice the first time.


The Dream Became Real

I walked out on my job Saturday night. I was scheduled off Sunday, and scheduled to work today, but I think I’m not going. So let’s talk about Saturday night.
I used to like Jaslene. I thought she was cool, funny, and assumed she liked me too. Because of my depression, my mood has been all silence and sadness and suicidal thoughts and trying to hold back tears and still function. I dreaded going to work so much I got an upset stomach just thinking about work.
So for the three shifts of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, she’s been unapproachable. I mean, earbuds in as soon as she gets there. She’s lately been the drive thru sandwich maker every shift, and because we’ve been short handed, we’ve not been able to open inside sandwiches. However, even the times inside sandwiches can be opened, she still does this annoying thing. The way we’ve always done it, is when the sandwiches are made for an order, they get put on the counter where drive thru packs the orders. Basically a sign that the sandwiches for that order are done. When they’re for the front counter, they get put on the other side of the bread toaster. Jaslene doesn’t do this, she just leaves the sandwiches on the sandwich board. So I have no idea if they’re for inside or drive and she doesn’t make the orders in order either, she makes drive thru’s sandwiches before she makes inside. He excuse was and I quote, “Inside can wait.” However you can’t ask her what the sandwiches are for because she has in earbuds! So it is completely confusing. I wanted so badly to say, “If you can’t be bothered to put the sandwiches where they go, you could at least have the courtesy of calling out that a particular order is up.”
Wednesday night, she’s making sandwiches, and I’m on drive thru, I needed a thumb to correct an order. So I call for Brenton through the headset to come and fix this order. Jaslene loses her shit because I didn’t ask for her thumb. She’s not talking to me about it though,she’s talking to anyone else in earshot about how I didn’t ask for her thumb and if I was gonna be this way, then I was just gonna be this way. I wanted to say, and didn’t, “You’ve been unapproachable for the last 3 shifts!”
I called in Friday, I played hooky, but wound up in the ER with my husband for most of my shift anyway. He had chest pains. He’s fine, ER did a stress test, it wasn’t his heart they are thinking gastrointestinal.
Saturday I went into work. I’m on drive thru, Jaslene is put on drive thru with me. She wasn’t scheduled to close, but I had no idea what time she was supposed to leave, cause at first she says she’s leaving at 8 PM. Jaslene didn’t want to work drive with me, she asked everyone to change positions with her, no one would. I was order taking and drink making, she was on back cash. All she did was stand at her register, no headset on, and drum her nails on the counter, and play on her phone. She didn’t pack orders (usually back cash kinda gets forced to packing orders when we’re short handed), she just stood there. Then she kept disappearing, I’d turn around and she’d be gone. Orders would need to be cashed out, packed and handed out. She’s show up a few minutes later, it wasn’t like she had gone to get something that needed stocking, nope, cause she called out that she needed napkins. Between 5 PM & 8 PM she left three times to ‘go eat,’ and one time the manager yelled at her to hurry up. So 8 PM shows  up and she’s still there, by now drive thru has slowed down and she’s technically still on back cash but had migrated to working fries rather than back cashing, so I was now taking orders, making drinks, cashing and handing them out (we usually don’t do this until 10 PM). Well at 9:10 she calls out that she’s got 50 minutes left and by this time I’m internally saying ‘Hallelujah’ cause once she’s gone she’ll be out of my hair and my night will get better.
10 PM comes and she’s migrated to making sandwiches again and she says to the manager she’ll stay to close, the manager says, “Thank you.” Then they go on about how great Jaslene is for staying. She does this all the time though. I’d be surprised the one night she doesn’t stay. I literally can’t work with this girl anymore.
I try to tell management that, and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” I try to tell management that I don’t like the way I’m treated by her and Jaslene says over me, “I don’t care.” So I took off my headset, put it down.
“You don’t need me anymore,” I tried to clock out, can’t because I have to be checked out before I can clock out and just left.
I told my husband what happened, and he asked if I was going to go back to work Monday, and nope, probably not.

Now here’s the thing, I already got a job lined up, I just wasn’t going to quit my fast food job until I found another job. I was making $7.75 an hour. My new job is offering $11.49 an hour. I just have to pass a drug and background check, which as I just typed that, wondered if they’ll find and read my blog. So I googled myself, and was pleasantly surprised that the only footprint I have are my LinkedIn and Facebook show up. My FB is nicely underwraps, I’m careful about public posts and my LinkedIn is meant for employers to look at.

Blogging About Work

My blog is my vent lately and the only thing upsetting me is my job. I’ve already started to look for a new one, I’ve a job interview with Lowe’s on Thursday at 3 PM. I’m gonna have to google soon about how to best present myself and impress upon the interviewer that I’m a good candidate for a cashier. Let’s go back to my current soul sucking job. I’ve been trying to look up how to deal with the people I work with. I’m seriously hoping that I only have to deal with them for a few more days (end of November at the most) but I actually dread working drive thru with Wanda. Remember I mentioned that she told me we couldn’t work drive thru together because we both have big butts. (Now I’m thinking I should go back to working out, even have a work out CD I like. Or meditate. I need to do something! I think I’m gonna post maybe tomorrow about making changes in my life.)

Anyway, last night at work I came across this website: 11 Signs Your Job is Making You Miserable As I read the list, so many of these were me exactly. So many so that I started reading them outloud to my boss (who knows I hate my job, but he can’t do a damn thing about it) and he just shook his head.

Actually let me take this time to mention the management team at my fast food job. Impotent. I’ve never really used that word to describe people but I’ve never seen a group of people who are management who are so powerless. It isn’t that management there sucks, it’s because they’re hands are constantly tied by the general manager. The only form of discipline they have at work is to send you home and reduce your number of hours scheduled. Yup, that is it.

There is an employee who only works one, five hour shift, that is all he’s scheduled and the management complains (I listen to them and they tell me things) that all they can do is send him home because he won’t work, and when they tell him to do his job he argues with them. Now they have fired a couple of people, one girl for standing at the fry station, eating fries right out of the bin… while standing at the fry station. They managed to fire three people who were friends, who all got hired on to work the closing shift, after a week all three of them couldn’t work past 10 PM (close shift if 1 AM and 2 AM) and they all have to work the same shift because apparently they carpool (only one drives) and if one of them gets angry and walks out, all three of them walk out because they don’t want to get left behind. They also were notorious for picking up extra shifts, and not working them for some reason or other. Two of the three used relatives dying as a reason to not perform at work. Management tried to send them home, but they claimed they needed the money.

So I was informed these people were fired, and suddenly this entire page of open shifts appeared on the notice board. Usually night shifts are the only open ones, but this was days too. After about two days I noticed that the people who were supposed to have been fired were signed up to fill these open shifts.

I understand we’re desperate for people, but we need to enforce some way of getting people to work. Once people realize they won’t get fired, their productivity plummets. Then morale goes with it, because we’re picking up their slack, not getting paid anymore for it, and they’re at work on their phones, sitting around, not doing anything and getting paid for it.

Now here I am, clinging to a high work ethic that won’t let me be late to work or take an extended break without having an anxiety attack. I treat all guests with politeness, courtesy and sympathy. I smile, I seem happy. I greeted a guest through the speaker and she commented on how cheerful I was and I said, “It’s all an act.” She replied, “No one can fake that.” And we both laughed.

This is my problem: I love my job but hate the people I work with.

It isn’t even just that I don’t like the people I work with. I don’t like how they treat me. Last night wasn’t so bad because they mostly left me alone. They left me alone because I was in a position that didn’t have much to deal with theirs, they were the drive thru team and I worked front counter. I’m a huge forgive and forget type, but I’ve gotten to the point I’m afraid to say anything or even make eye contact with them because I don’t want them to verbally hurt me. (After typing that I think that sounds so stupid, aren’t calling me names, so maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I just think they’re being mean to me.)

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me I just found this blog. Is it just anxiety or do the people I work with actually hate me? I mean last night the girls made a mess in the dining room for me to clean up and I even overheard one saying in disbelief that the other one was going to do it. I just cleaned it up, didn’t say anything about it. So now I’m wondering if they always made a mess or did they do it because I was cleaning the dining room that night? This is the shit I deal with, I go back and forth between is it me or is it all in my head?

I remember in therapy that I told a story about two coworkers who were a couple, and invited them to dinner and games at my house. I set a date and time in the future, texted them, and didn’t get a reply from either. Texted them again closer to the date, asking if this time was okay for them. Didn’t get a reply. Asked them in person at work why they didn’t respond to my text about dinner. Both claimed they had been busy. So I asked in person if the date was okay. Both said yes. Neither showed up for dinner. Neither called to cancel, and when I confronted them about it (which is something I normally do, I avoid confrontation) I was informed they both had felt that I would make them feel uncomfortable in such an intimate setting. I was crushed. I had put a lot of time, money and effort into these dinner plans. I totally attacked myself over it: What had I done to make them feel uncomfortable around me? What had I done that made them feel they couldn’t say no to the dinner plans? What was wrong with me that caused them to act this way? My therapist said, “I would’ve totally flipped the other way: What was wrong with them?

If anyone has read this post all the way through, look back through it, it is all about me being the victim, and all about what is wrong with me? Maybe it isn’t me, maybe it isn’t in my head, maybe the girls I work with have something wrong with them that causes them to treat me as such.

However I have no idea how to (I don’t even want to repair relationships) not be bothered by them.

0 Self Confidence @Work

I dream of a better job, and I dream of quitting my job, and then I took on extra hours. I’m scheduled 50 hours next week, I have 1 day off, Thursday. (I’m also trying to write a novel this month.) However they approved to allow me to come into work late on Sundays for the month of November so I can attend the weekly write-ins.

I really don’t know where to begin or how much is all in my head, and how much to believe. Let’s start with the burn. I was pulling putting back the fryer filter when a coworker we’ll call Chloe, is trying to put nuggets in the fryer next to where I’m kneeling. As she’s dropping nuggets in, I’ve got my arm on the edge of the fryer about to come up to my feet from my knees. A nugget goes plop and I get burned. It hurt. So I clutch my arm to me in pain. Another coworker (I think we call her Vanessa) was standing on the other side of me. She’s saying over and over, “It was one drop! It was one drop! It was one drop!” Well it wasn’t one drop. I’ve got one nickel sized burn, 2 dime sized ones, and a couple of pencil eraser sized ones one both sides of my arm. They hurt. I keep telling Vanessa it hurts. The Manager is agreeing with me. I finish what I was doing, then go to the sink and run cold water over the burns. Vanessa is wailing, mocking me, saying my reaction for clutching my arm to me was delayed and it was only one drop!

I keep telling Vanessa it hurts! It feels like my arm is on fire. Brett, God bless his little cotton socks, brings me a triple antibiotic packet from the first aid kit and says this will help. I thank him. He is the nicest guy sometimes, and I honestly think sometimes, the only one at work who actually likes me.

So I attempt to go on with my shift, I have another fryer to clean, I’m keeping meat up on the holding grill, I’m giving the girl on sandwiches all the spicy chicken she keeps asking for. So I keep hearing Vanessa wail and the girls laughing and joking. I think they’re laughing and joking about me, because I hear Vanessa say, “I got hit in the neck with a fry!” Then she gives this loud wail. So my mood is just tanking. I keep waiting for her to lose interest in the fact she thinks I’m over reacting to being burned. Two hours of this goes on, and I’m seriously trying not to cry. I’m literally yelling at myself in my mind that I’m a grown woman of 35, and I shouldn’t be crying! She is still carrying on to the point that the manager tells her to shut up! The girl on sandwiches tells her to calm down.

I finally decided I need to confront Vanessa about how her mocking me is affecting me. I hear her say, “I almost got hit by a nugget,” Then she wails again. Then I overhear her talking about how I used to call her, ‘Bro Bro,’ which I never did. I was calling Conspiracy Theorist Guy, Bry Bry. So this is how I think she’s about me and I need to make her stop.

I say, “Vanessa! You’re a horrible person for mocking me. You’ve hurt my feelings,” I’m crying freely now.

She says, “Naw I wasn’t talking about you! That was earlier. What made you think I was talking about you?” I tell her her about the wailing she’s been doing all night and she says that is her mating call. She wailed again.

So my self confidence decided to run off and join the other side. Now I’m thinking: What if it’s all in my head? What if she’s right and I’ve just been stewing in my own juices? What if I’m overreacting and over thinking things?

She tells me not to cry and she doesn’t want me to cry. I’m feeling stupid, and of course the tears are flowing faster. The whole shift has come to a stop, I mean everyone is watching. I’m sorry for calling her horrible. I kinda nod that I accept what she’s said. It wasn’t her, it was all in my head and we just go back to work. Nothing is said about it the rest of night.

Now this part I know is in my head, because I heard nothing and made up what I wanted to believe. Jaslene and Brett have been having this work fling thing. They go out to the dumpster together and I think they make out, but I’ve never seen them. Other co workers are speculating that Jaslene just wants an affair and Brett doesn’t seem like the type to settle down with a girl. Anyway after I had my break down, they have a sort of break-up for a couple of hours. They didn’t flirt at all. I mean the entire time my mood was in the shitter, they didn’t flirt. They started flirting again when my mood was better. I think they know I watch them, I don’t say anything except the off sexual comment. Jaslene had the sprayer hose and was trying to spray Brett who was across the room. I shout, “There are better ways to make him wet!”
I like to think that they didn’t flirt while I was feeling sorry for myself and crying was because they had enough respect or liked me enough to not show how great everything was between them while I was feeling so shitty. I have no idea why they didn’t flirt, maybe the manager was watching, dunno. I really shouldn’t be up in the business but I usually say comments about their relationship and Brett agrees with me.

Getting Away with Shit @ Work

We need to talk about Jaslene (not her real name of course) and how the things she gets away with drive me crazy and I know it ain’t my business (it isn’t) but I just need to vent. (Also the character Jaslene in my upcoming novel is actually based off the girl I’m about to rant about.)

(I need to put in a thing about how I accept that I’m not allowed to discriminate against people with disabilities, and I usually genuinely like her, except for tonight, she pissed me off, probably why I’m ranting.)

Jaslene has worked for the fast food company for 3 years. (So I get that is where is she granted leniency.) She recently began having seizures. One of was so bad she broke her foot, banged up her face and did some other damage to herself. (She didn’t have it at work.) As far as I know she’s not diagnosed epileptic, she just has seizures and is on a medication to control them. (I also mentioned that she could get a service dog that would notify her of seizures before they happen. See I was nice!) From what I understand she has to take her medication with food and at specific times a day, 7:15 PM being one of them and I know this, because of this: Everyday management at work ask her if she’s taken her meds. She then claims that she needs to eat to take her meds. So she is allowed to take a paid lunch to eat and take her meds. Jaslene just doesn’t eat like a couple of nuggets and take her meds, she makes a sandwich, fries, (sometimes a sandwich and a potato) and a drink and goes sits down in the dining room and eats. This is at 7:15 PM. Then at 8 PM-ish, she takes an unpaid lunch and leaves the store for 30 minutes.

The reason I’m bothered by this is because I was told to eat between customers, and when I did I was accused of not getting up to help customers because the manager never saw me get up (I actually blogged about this here: Pet Peeves @ Work ) so now I don’t sit down to eat anymore. I just make my sandwich (usually a small $1 one) and stand at the trash can behind grill to eat it. I’m usually never out of line of sight with my station.

The reason I wanted to blog about Jaslene is truly this. I like Jaslene, always have. Currently she and Brett are having a thing, pretty sure they’re “taking out the trash” just to make out at the dumpster (it is enclosed). Brett lives at home, and Jaslene has a “fiancĂ©.” Tonight Jaslene was a dick. She put in her earbuds around 6 PM and ignored everyone. She worked sandwiches and I worked grill, so I need her to communicate with me over how much chicken she has available or how much meat she’s taking from the grill. She didn’t say jack to me and when I tried to talk to her, she ignored me. This made me feel low, unwanted, which developed into an anger towards her tonight.

What I’ve Been Doing w/my Life Since Last Post

After watching the Warcraft movie I decided to go back to WoW. After buying Legion and playing it for less than a month I’m back to where I was when I quit Warlords of Draenor. I’ve got a max level character (two actually) and I need help from others to do quests that require mythic dungeons and raids. You can easily gear your character without actually doing anything except daily quests. As your item level increases, it increases the item level of the gear rewards. When I joined this guild I was asked to raid, to tank actually, and so I leveled my DK as a tank and started gearing as a tank, then I was told that they needed DPS and so I switched to gearing up my DK as a frost DPS. My ilvl is above what is needed for mythic +0 and I wanted to get attuned to Karazhan, but I hate pugging mythics. I’ve pugged 2 and they’ve been horrible experiences. I think I’m also going to go back to being ranged DPS. So much easier to avoid standing in crap if I’m not melee. I love my DK, I think he’s awesome, but I’m having issues (mostly coordination issues) playing him.


I’m still working at my fast food job. I work the grill position a lot more, which makes me happy, cause I’m not in Drive Thru. Remember the girl who said I was racist, well she honestly doesn’t like working drive thru with me. I think it is because I think for myself and make my own decisions. I dunno how many times someone has ordered ice cream at the window and when I go to make it she’ll ask me what I’m doing. I really wanna say, “My job, and I know what I’m doing. I’m not some noob.” Well the last time we worked Drive Thru she said that we were gonna have problems because both of us have big asses. So I traded to work inside sandwiches with another girl. This other girl is the first girl’s bestie, and her ass is as big as mine. They worked together just fine. I’ve started claiming that Drive Thru is just too claustrophobic for me.

My husband finally bought a new car, well new used car. It is a 2012 Hyundai Genesis, has less than 100,000 miles on it. Very luxurious and well taken care of.

I’ve managed to read a couple books, well listen to them rather. I really like the Alex Delaware cases, and have listened to the first 3, and now trying to delve into the Rick Riordan Asgard series. I really enjoyed his Children of Olympus series, bought and read every one. Got the new Special Agent Aloysius X. L. Pendergast novel and since I didn’t like how Crimson Shore ended, I’ve only read a chapter of the new book.

Intuitive Sucks!

I don’t consider myself an empath. Like psychics I don’t believe they exist, but if they did I would almost consider myself one. An empath, not a psychic, psycho for sure, but not a psychic. However, along with ghosts and aliens, I’m opening minded, and haven’t seen either, so if someone could prove to me they were a psychic or an empath, I would be made to believe.

I’ve always considered myself passionate. I care about things and people and stuff. I also cry very easily. I cry when I’m insulted, I cry when bad things happen to strangers, I cry at commercials, movies, songs and video games. I cried at the end of God of War 3. My husband says, “Why are you crying? He was an asshole!”

I’ve never been able to figure out or read body language well, can’t tell if people are lying or not unless I know the truth before they lie. I’m a trusting soul, and very forgiving. However I’ve always picked up on emotion. Not that I can tell someone is sad or angry, but often I feel it too. Let me give an example:

A girl and I did not get along at work. She has a bad attitude. She was recently talked to by management and told to get a better attitude. She didn’t like me because she said I was calling her racial slur (I wasn’t) just because I knew she didn’t like it. Well suddenly she had a great new attitude. She was friendly, she said please and thank you, she addressed me by name. I even commented to management about her turn around. I hoped that now we might be able to be work friends. One day I came into work and she wouldn’t talk to me. I could just feel it coming off her, and I asked her if she was alright. She just turned away from me. So I let a few minutes pass (I was gathering up courage) and I could already feel the the tears coming. So I told her that if she was upset with me, I was sorry, and that if I do something that upsets her, she has to let me know. (By this time I was crying.) Because if she’s upset then I’m upset. She says she just has a lot on her mind.

Let’s talk about Brett, Brett is my favorite employee at the fast food company I work for. He is so many times wonderful. He’s extremely quiet, and when he does speak, it is usually in hushed tones. He’s like a severe introvert at work, but I asked him if he was as introverted at work as he was with friends and he said no. I make it my goal to tell him things that will make him smile or shake his head in disbelief. When I asked if he would miss me when I quit the fast food job he said yes that there will be 1 less person around who actually works. I took that as a huge compliment. Anyway, Brett gets angry easily. He has a temper, and I’ve seen it, he’s never taken it out on me, but he’s been cruel to some cooler doors, and boxes. So last Sunday he’s angry, I can feel it. However unlike where the girl was upset and I was upset too, I don’t get angry. I feel his anger, but I turn it into avoidance and attempt to try to diffuse his anger.

He was angry several nights ago over the fact he had to close grill and back room. So I offered to go halfsies on grill with him. He cleaned the chicken grill and fryer filters and I’d do the rest. He agreed and it calmed him down. On Sunday he was having to close inside sandwiches and back room, so I went to him again and said I’d help him. (Once again, his being angry was bringing me to tears, but I didn’t cry.) He told me no, he wasn’t going to close the sandwich station the way that management wanted. It wasn’t fair that he was the one who always had to close multiple stations.

Of course after typing this out and trying to explain what it feels like to feel something from another person. It is probably just all inside my head, and I just worry myself to tears, but I so often take it upon myself to make others feel better or to not feel alone or to just let them know that I know how they feel.