#MeToo Mom of a Depressed Teen

I used to air my dirty laundry (to a degree) on this blog. The idea of this blog was to be sort of an anonymous truth and usually ugly truth of the things that happen in my life. If you look back 2 years ago I was having huge problems with my coworkers at a fast food joint. However today is to really talk about my daughter, J14, and how I feel like I’m failing her as a parent.

I read books about teens and depression. She came to me in January and said she was having not only suicidal thoughts but was beginning to dwell on them long enough to come up with a couple suicidal scenarios. Now I did not want to be one of those parents (and this is not a strike at any parent) who had a child commit suicide and be saying: I had no idea! If only they had come to me!
The reason I mention this is because my parents were almost those parents. In the 5th grade I had written my suicide note (5th Grade!) and it was discovered by a student who sat next to me, took my note to the teacher and I swear the only help I got was from the school. I had weekly sessions with the school counselor, who firmly believed my problem was rooted in bullying, and I was bullied, but really I was trying to get away from my sexual abuser and at 11, the only way I knew how was to either run away (which I attempted multiple times) or just kill myself. (A side note: I did tell someone, not that I was depressed, but that I was being sexually molested, and the person I told… didn’t believe me. She told me to stop making up bad stories to hurt people. If she didn’t believe me: who would?) At 14 I finally did get away from my abuser, but this post really isn’t about me, it’s about my daughter. However I do have a kinship with her because she is going through exactly what I went through.

At 12 my daughter was sexually molested, she never told me, I found out when her abuser was arrested for something else, and he confessed to it. Lucky for him, he was in police custody or I would have killed him. No doubt in my mind I would have killed him, then called the police and let them arrest me. The state offered some family counseling and we attended 6 weekly sessions, but at 12 my daughter didn’t seem all that problematic with what happened to her. At 14 she really began to develop problems and I immediately got her help. I started reading books about teen depression, teen PTSD, how to be a parent of a child with depression, how to live with someone with PTSD. J14 was hospitalized for two days, and released, but no follow up therapy afterwards, no medication. Russ and I sought out a therapist for her, found one we liked and can afford. J14 likes her. However it wasn’t enough, the therapist came to us and said she needs medication and more intense therapy. We took J14 back to the hospital, she was not hospitalized but placed in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOT) which is not cheap and we can barely afford. She’s still having her meds adjusted, J14 is taking Lexapro (which is not cheap) and Trazadone. She says mood wise she feels better, but she’s still having trouble coping.

From what I understand J14 is being bullied at school (when addressed to the school they said that it has to continue happening to be considered bullying 😡) She’s isolated herself from her friends and her grades are in the toilet. Which are all the things I did in 8th grade. I only did work in the classes I liked, Science and electives, and did 0 class work or homework in Math, Social Studies, English… I literally did nothing but read books in the back of English while the teacher lectured. All through school I was showing the signs of suicide (and my daughter is showing them too) but back then I had no idea what the signs were.


So for anyone who needs to know:
Signs of Suicide

  • withdrawal from friends and family members
  • trouble in romantic relationships
  • difficulty getting along with others
  • changes in the quality of schoolwork or lower grades
  • rebellious behaviors
  • unusual gift-giving or giving away own possessions
  • appearing bored or distracted
  • writing or drawing pictures about death
  • running away from home
  • changes in eating habits
  • dramatic personality changes
  • changes in appearance (for the worse)
  • sleep disturbances
  • drug or alcohol abuse
  • talk of suicide, even in a joking way
  • having a history of previous suicide attempts
I chose this list because out of all those I glanced over this one had: changes in appearance. In 4th grade my hair was down to my pockets on my jeans. In 5th Grade I cut it down to a bob below my ears. My daughter’s main symptom? She cleaned her room and got rid of things I thought she cared about (like her Build a Bear Owl). 
After saying all this: This post was originally about how do I get my daughter’s grades up. She’s almost at the point that she may have to repeat 8th grade. (I, by miracle, actually passed and went onto Freshman High School.) The worst part is I don’t know if there is time for her to do it. Last day of school is May 23rd, she has a month. 😣

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The Year in Review…

I’m writing this before work while eating toast trying to get rid of a hangover if that says anything about 2016 I dunno what does.

2016 for me was a horrible year, not as bad as 2015 according to my husband. In 2015 I was hospitalized for suicidal tendencies. I had lost my job, a dream job that I had finally decided to make a career. I had friends, I had great connections, and once I was fired I was suddenly non existent to these friends and connections. I felt invisible and was overwhelmed with loneliness and self loathing that I thought the only way to solve my problems was to remove myself from this world. Then after getting help, getting medication, and getting better, my brother-in-law was arrested for downloading child pornography and molesting my daughter, all under my roof and I didn’t know it until the police barged through the door. I panic now at loud noises. However that was 2015, we’re here to talk about 2016.

2016 brought bed bugs, head lice, mites (on the rats) and fleas. So basically the year of the parasites. I had to borrow money to pay for a heat treatment for the bedbugs, took 3 weeks to get rid of my daughter’s head lice (you wanna know what worked? Vinegar, she smelled like a salad for a while, and after drenching her head in straight vinegar I spent 2 hours pulling out nits.) I’m still battling fleas. I’m hoping once it turns cold and stays cold, I’ll be able to  get rid of them.

2016 also brought change. I changed jobs twice. In February I got a job at KFC, liked my work, liked my hours, was offered full time, was making minimum wage though. I quit because the management didn’t like me and when I worked, I worked entirely with management. When I accepted full time I went from 40 hours a week to 10. I quit in April and started at Wendy’s. Once again I liked what I did, the hours weren’t bad. I was hired to close the dining room, so when I cleaned the dining room I listened to audiobooks (which is how I managed to read so many books this year). This job was the opposite of KFC, the management liked me, but my coworkers did not. My coworkers were some of the laziest, unkind, and entitled acting people I’d ever met. I spent so much of my blog complaining about the goings on at Wendy’s. So I went looking for a new job, got one at MotoMart making $0.75 more an hour. I quit after 3 days! I’m so glad I did. I was treated worse there than any other place I’d ever worked. In November I quit Wendy’s and got a job beginning of December with Lowe’s. They pay me a lot more, but work my a lot less. Still the paychecks are about the same. I like Lowe’s better so far, the management and the co workers all seem cool.

2016 brought new lessons in home-ownership, like calling two different a/c repair guys and one telling me I need a new a/c unit and the other just cleaning it (which fixed its problems.) In December the bathtub drain started to leak and I’m so very proud of myself, watched YouTube videos and replaced the tub drain for about $30 and it only took maybe an hour of work. I spent most of the time playing with the plumber’s putty. Also the desktop computer crapped out twice, which caused me to replace the outlet it is plugged into on my own. Once again, only cost like $20 and took me maybe 30 minutes. We also learned the difference between “power strip” and “surge protector.”

2016 saw me return to World of Warcraft after watching the Warcraft movie. I’m in a good guild, with good people, who play everyday and we chat in Discord, every day. I started streaming my gaming, but I’m not the greatest at commentary, but I’m working on it. I’m also crocheting so much I decided to open up an Etsy shop. We’ll see how long this goes. I’m currently making a scarf and a shawl to put up for sale. Might make an afghan too.

2016 gave Paul a car, he has a Hyundai Genesis now, so now no more new car envy, well except the fact the car is gold and not maroon or blue which are his favorite colors. We have a car payment (which is why I have a job) for the first time in years. This car is also a lot newer than any car we’ve ever bought. Before though we bought an old Ford Explorer for $650, then put $300 with the work into to get it legal. Then we traded it in on the Genesis, how much did they give us for it? $400.

I lost my grandmother in July of 2016, other than some cousins I haven’t seen since my mother’s funeral I have no living family on my mother’s side. It was also the first time I ever planned a funeral. I have all of grandma’s things from the nursing home, and most I threw away, but I still have her recliner, no idea what to do with it.

I gained a cat in 2016, Black Betty, who is the perfect cat except that she’s really gross and will sneeze globs and strings of snot everywhere. She sleeps by my arms at night, she rides on my shoulders, she’s annoying, but not a much as the other cats. I also gained a dog, I have a Beagle named Maggie and her whining for whatever she wants bugs the hell out of me. Last night she kept pacing the room, and I have hardwood floors so all I heard was tap, tap, tap, tap, She’s a good dog, but the most annoying pet I own. She whines for everything! To be petted, to get on the couch, to be fed, to be watered, to go outside, for a treat, to go for a walk, to ride in the car…

I admit my 2016 blog was mostly about depression and how work sucked, but it also was something else. It was the first time I kept up a blog. I mean I picked blogging back up in May and yes there are some gaps in there. I didn’t blog everyday (my life isn’t that exciting or dramatic) but I managed to blog at least several times a month. I’ve been playing Sims 3 and I could do a whole blog about the drama in that game! Or like how I laid in bed last night wondering if I was a Sim…

I hope to post about my resolutions next (there aren’t that many) and hopefully find a way to keep them.

Also today is my mother’s birthday. She’d have been 58.

Blogging About Work

My blog is my vent lately and the only thing upsetting me is my job. I’ve already started to look for a new one, I’ve a job interview with Lowe’s on Thursday at 3 PM. I’m gonna have to google soon about how to best present myself and impress upon the interviewer that I’m a good candidate for a cashier. Let’s go back to my current soul sucking job. I’ve been trying to look up how to deal with the people I work with. I’m seriously hoping that I only have to deal with them for a few more days (end of November at the most) but I actually dread working drive thru with Wanda. Remember I mentioned that she told me we couldn’t work drive thru together because we both have big butts. (Now I’m thinking I should go back to working out, even have a work out CD I like. Or meditate. I need to do something! I think I’m gonna post maybe tomorrow about making changes in my life.)

Anyway, last night at work I came across this website: 11 Signs Your Job is Making You Miserable As I read the list, so many of these were me exactly. So many so that I started reading them outloud to my boss (who knows I hate my job, but he can’t do a damn thing about it) and he just shook his head.

Actually let me take this time to mention the management team at my fast food job. Impotent. I’ve never really used that word to describe people but I’ve never seen a group of people who are management who are so powerless. It isn’t that management there sucks, it’s because they’re hands are constantly tied by the general manager. The only form of discipline they have at work is to send you home and reduce your number of hours scheduled. Yup, that is it.

There is an employee who only works one, five hour shift, that is all he’s scheduled and the management complains (I listen to them and they tell me things) that all they can do is send him home because he won’t work, and when they tell him to do his job he argues with them. Now they have fired a couple of people, one girl for standing at the fry station, eating fries right out of the bin… while standing at the fry station. They managed to fire three people who were friends, who all got hired on to work the closing shift, after a week all three of them couldn’t work past 10 PM (close shift if 1 AM and 2 AM) and they all have to work the same shift because apparently they carpool (only one drives) and if one of them gets angry and walks out, all three of them walk out because they don’t want to get left behind. They also were notorious for picking up extra shifts, and not working them for some reason or other. Two of the three used relatives dying as a reason to not perform at work. Management tried to send them home, but they claimed they needed the money.

So I was informed these people were fired, and suddenly this entire page of open shifts appeared on the notice board. Usually night shifts are the only open ones, but this was days too. After about two days I noticed that the people who were supposed to have been fired were signed up to fill these open shifts.

I understand we’re desperate for people, but we need to enforce some way of getting people to work. Once people realize they won’t get fired, their productivity plummets. Then morale goes with it, because we’re picking up their slack, not getting paid anymore for it, and they’re at work on their phones, sitting around, not doing anything and getting paid for it.

Now here I am, clinging to a high work ethic that won’t let me be late to work or take an extended break without having an anxiety attack. I treat all guests with politeness, courtesy and sympathy. I smile, I seem happy. I greeted a guest through the speaker and she commented on how cheerful I was and I said, “It’s all an act.” She replied, “No one can fake that.” And we both laughed.

This is my problem: I love my job but hate the people I work with.

It isn’t even just that I don’t like the people I work with. I don’t like how they treat me. Last night wasn’t so bad because they mostly left me alone. They left me alone because I was in a position that didn’t have much to deal with theirs, they were the drive thru team and I worked front counter. I’m a huge forgive and forget type, but I’ve gotten to the point I’m afraid to say anything or even make eye contact with them because I don’t want them to verbally hurt me. (After typing that I think that sounds so stupid, aren’t calling me names, so maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I just think they’re being mean to me.)

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me I just found this blog. Is it just anxiety or do the people I work with actually hate me? I mean last night the girls made a mess in the dining room for me to clean up and I even overheard one saying in disbelief that the other one was going to do it. I just cleaned it up, didn’t say anything about it. So now I’m wondering if they always made a mess or did they do it because I was cleaning the dining room that night? This is the shit I deal with, I go back and forth between is it me or is it all in my head?

I remember in therapy that I told a story about two coworkers who were a couple, and invited them to dinner and games at my house. I set a date and time in the future, texted them, and didn’t get a reply from either. Texted them again closer to the date, asking if this time was okay for them. Didn’t get a reply. Asked them in person at work why they didn’t respond to my text about dinner. Both claimed they had been busy. So I asked in person if the date was okay. Both said yes. Neither showed up for dinner. Neither called to cancel, and when I confronted them about it (which is something I normally do, I avoid confrontation) I was informed they both had felt that I would make them feel uncomfortable in such an intimate setting. I was crushed. I had put a lot of time, money and effort into these dinner plans. I totally attacked myself over it: What had I done to make them feel uncomfortable around me? What had I done that made them feel they couldn’t say no to the dinner plans? What was wrong with me that caused them to act this way? My therapist said, “I would’ve totally flipped the other way: What was wrong with them?

If anyone has read this post all the way through, look back through it, it is all about me being the victim, and all about what is wrong with me? Maybe it isn’t me, maybe it isn’t in my head, maybe the girls I work with have something wrong with them that causes them to treat me as such.

However I have no idea how to (I don’t even want to repair relationships) not be bothered by them.

Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me

Having an anxiety disorder is like someone following you, whispering in your ear, I hate you. Learn how to deal with anxiety saying that everyone hates me.

Source: Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me

Let’s Talk Anxiety

When I was diagnosed with clinical depression I was not diagnosed with anxiety because I was diagnosed shortly after being hospitalized because I had reached the breaking point in my life. I actually had reached out to my husband and told him I was suicidal and if someone didn’t stop me I wasn’t much longer for this world. We didn’t know how to get help, or who to go to, so we went to the urgent care, who sent us to the ER, who then admitted me. I didn’t realize I was being admitted until they took my clothes and locked them up. They asked me lots of questions about anxiety and if I heard voices or saw things that weren’t there, about drug and alcohol use. I was so far over the bend that all I could think about was my depression and how worthless I was, how low I felt. While they were admitting me I felt that I was wasting their time with my problems. I wondered why they were bothering with me, surely there were people who were more worthy of help than me.

Now I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack, where you’re immobilized, unable to act, but lately I’ve been dreading work so much that I’ve actually felt sick to my stomach on my way to work. It takes everything inside me to go to work everyday. I try to be invisible at work lately. I don’t talk to the others, don’t joke, don’t even just hover around their conversation. I try to keep busy, out of their way, and silent. I hate working a position where I have to communicate with one of them. I don’t think if I have to work drive thru with a non-manager I’ll be able to do it. I’m not sure if this is anxiety or just part of my depression.

Probably a Long Rambling Post

My husband texts me, says he read something and is worried about me. So either he read my journal (I occasionally write in a paper one) or he read my blog. Cause my last post was about having suicidal thoughts and the blog is the only thing I’ve told so far. Good for him, because I at least had 1 person read my blog. 

So let’s talk depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in July of last year when I got fired from my job at Six Flags. From there life was just too much for me to handle. I progressed quickly from suicidal thoughts to the point of deciding how to do it, and the next step would be when and then to do it. I remember even googling what to do when I had suicidal thoughts. Like just now I googled, “Are suicidal thoughts normal?” It took browsing through two articles to find one that says no, they aren’t. I assume that I’m like everyone else, not as smart, or as graceful, but my mind must think the same way. I spend a great deal of time talking to myself mentally, and I mean I hold mental conversations with myself. I hold mental conversations with people around me, trying to predict what they will say, and then how I will reply. (I’ve learned that they never say anything near what I’ve predicted, and therefore don’t get to use my carefully formulated clever reply.) So back to the suicidal thoughts, if I have them, then everyone must have them from time to time right? Apparently, no, not everyone has them. My husband doesn’t have them, and he doesn’t understand why I have them.
I recently googled how to explain depression to someone, and reached this article: How to Explain Depression to a Loved One The article was informative, but it feels to me like it’s written to explain to a new significant other that you have depression. I’ve been married for 16 years, and yes, over the years my diaries are full of the line, “I’m so depressed.” However I didn’t have suicidal thoughts until 2015. (Sort of. I’m going to insert a story here.)
In 5th grade, I was 11 years old, and being sexually molested by my brother, had told my mother who didn’t believe me. I was being bullied at school, but I kept going back to the bullies for more name calling and shaming, because I believed that the boys treated me like that because they liked me. (However at this point I noticed they didn’t treat all the girls the same way they treated me, they were nice and had conversations with them.) I wrote what could best be explained as a suicide note. I truly believed no one cared for me or about me. Another kid across from me got the note, read it, gave it to the teacher, who then sent me to visit the counselor. I told her that no one cared about me, no one loved me, and that no one would miss me when I was gone because no one was nice to me. She told me that Jerry cared (the kid who got his hands on my note) which was why he gave the note to the teacher. Up until that moment, Jerry hadn’t said more than 2 words to me the entire school year, we didn’t travel in the same social circles (and at that time I didn’t even have a social circle) so afterwards I honestly thought he might have been a friend I didn’t know I had. Nope, he had only given the note to the teach because according to him, “It was the right thing to do.” He and I had 0 relationship before my note, and 0 relationship after, even though I tried to make friends with him. I never told the school about my brother, only that I was being bullied. So this was the first time I had suicidal thoughts. Looking back I don’t remember my mother’s reaction, I mean the school had to tell her. She probably got mad at me and thought I was trying to get attention. At some point I gave up the notion of suicide and tried other alternatives… I brought a knife to school, fully intending to flash it to the bullies to get them to leave me alone, and that day my pocket had gotten ripped off my coat, the knife fell out and my bullies actually picked it up from the ground and turned it in. I tried running away a couple of times. Once I was caught by the school and they talked me into returning back to the school, and the second time I got a couple of miles away from home, and turned around because at 13 I realized I couldn’t support myself.

So I’ve shown signs of mental illness probably all my life and it took 34 years to finally get diagnosed, and I was suddenly worried that was it normal for people to be diagnosed with depression at such an age? Yes, actually most women are diagnosed with depression between the ages of 40 and 54. I probably would’ve been diagnosed earlier if anyone had actually noticed my behavior. I became secluded as a teen, usually only one friend, or at times no friends, I buried myself in books, I didn’t leave my room, I actually started skipping school in high school just to read books in the forest. Then my brother got accused of rape and my mother pulled me from high school to keep me away from my friend who accused my brother of rape (charges were dropped) but I never went back to high school. My mother enrolled me into a diploma through the mail course, where they mailed me books, I took tests and mailed them back. I never completed it. I took on a life of sleeping all day, watching movies and night, drinking the booze that my mother bought for us, getting felt up by my boyfriend who was two years older, and um I was 14-16 through this. At 15 I got a job at Six Flags. Somehow I managed without professional help to get through life.
So this is what my husband doens’t understand. I’m not having suicidal thoughts all the time, they seem to pop out when I’m really overwhelmed, and lately I’ve been overwhelmed at work because I hate my coworkers. They treat me horribly, and when I get angry at the treatment they get angry at me because I got angry. However I’ve always thought that apologizing for wrongdoing was always the bigger thing to do. So I usually end up apologizing for being angry at them for mistreating me.
I also don’t know how to explain to him that I’m not feeling depressed all the time. When I’m feeling the most depressed it feels like a great weight on my shoulders and I’m constantly reminding myself of how useless and inferior I am, and though I try to better myself, I always seem to go back to the same old loop. I’m a failure, a waste of space, and people’s lives would be better if I wasn’t in them. A lot of this comes from the way I perceive people treating me. However is gets complicated because I have a really great husband who loves me, and has put up with me for the past 16 years. My children are great, they have good grades and friends, and confidence. I didn’t try to shelter them from how cruel the world is and how mean people can be but I rather tried to prepare them for it. I explained that if anyone called my daughter names or mistreated her at school isn’t wasn’t because they liked her, it was because they were a bully, and to report it to a teacher or tell me. If someone likes you, they’re kind to you. Well the only people at work who seem kind to me are the management and Brett and Conspiracy Theorist Guy.
So I found this website: 10 Signs of Walking Depression I’m depressed, don’t always appear depressed (and sometimes I don’t feel depressed) and still function.

FAILURE

I spent a great deal of time trying to decide how to title this post because I have a lot I want to talk about, and some of it very personal and I wasn’t sure if I should write it in my journal or just say, “Fuck it,” and blog about it.

My depression is really bothering me. I stopped taking my meds back in February, because I missed my appointment with my therapist and never called to reschedule, without the appointment, I was never able to get my prescription refilled.

Up until about a month or two ago (?) whenever I had my meltdown at work and walked out. I was actually feeling fine. I wasn’t suicidal, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. I mean life was slinging shit at me the entire time too. We made a bad judgement call on a vehicle purchase, my daughter had head lice that would not go away, I was dealing with a workplace troll, I made the decision to quit my current job for what I thought was going to be a better one, discovered in 3 days it was a wrong decision. Right now I’m up to my ass in OT and my husband (who makes twice what I do) is no longer allowed OT.

So let’s talk about last night at work (and this isn’t even election related) a girl I like, who I actually considered a work friend, got off at 11 PM. The store closed at 12 AM, and we were scheduled to clean until 1 AM. Normally we get out about 12:30. I closed dining room and sandwiches. Sandwiches scrubs the floors in the kitchen. Normally most of the floors are done at 9 PM, I was not on sandwiches until 11 PM. So I tried to get the station ready to close when the store closed, and hoped to get the mopping done around close or shortly after. Normally the part of the floor to be mopped at close is about 12 ft by 4 ft. When I started sweeping I realized I had to mop the entire kitchen. Let’s get back to the work friend. She’s been off since 11 AM. She left, then came back and climbed into the store through the drive through window, because the doors to the dining room were locked. Then she sat on the floor of the manager’s office. At 12:30 I’m almost done sweeping the floor when Jaslene is dragging this girl out of the manager’s office by her arm. Not figuratively. The girl is laying on the floor and Jaslene is dragging her where I’m about to sweep. I admit, I’m tired, I’m cranky. I wanted to go home. So I yelled at them, but when I started yelling, Jaslene disappeared and the girl caught the brunt of it. She then screams at me for yelling at her, and tells me I shouldn’t ever talk like that to her again. She goes back into the manager’s office. I stand there dumbfounded a moment. Then I walk into the manager’s office and apologized for losing my cool. She ignored me and left the office and sat in the dining room. I went back to my work, there was nothing else I could do. So about a quarter till 1 AM (the floors are done, but I noticed that some tables needed wiping) she comes up to me, apologizes to me for yelling and asks that I don’t talk to her again. I said, “Okay.” After I clocked out I sat in my truck and sobbed for a good five minutes.

After looking at the last several posts about problems at work, I wonder to myself: Why can’t I get along with people at work? What is so wrong with me that I’m constantly making others angry at me? This is twice in a week I’ve broke down at work, and had to apologize for lashing out. I usually don’t have a temper or a short fuse.

Do other people wake up in the morning and realize how much of a failure they are? I feel like a failure as a person, failure at life, and normally everything else. I mean I’m stressing out over the relationships at a minimum wage fast food job that I can’t just walk out of because now we have a car payment. I wanted so much for last night to be my last shift, but here I am, blogging in my work uniform, actually waiting to leave to go to work.

I did put in 2 applications, hopefully I’ll hear something back. I’m off work tomorrow and hope to not only get my words in, but to get more applications out.

Now for the part I really didn’t want to blog about. I’ve started having suicidal thoughts again. It isn’t everyday like it was back in July when I was hospitalized. I’m just thinking that I should end it and clear the way for a better replacement of ME.